I had my first drink with a friend I’ve known since I was 3. It was a clumsy glass of vodka and sprite and it was horrible. It was literally 2 glasses and the hangover was so pathetic, I can’t even begin to recall. Since then, I’ve had quite a few drinks and countless night outs with her and I’ve learned something…
How to handle that drunk bitch. It was a battle of wills before, but now i’ve got it down pat! So if you’ve got a best friend, you need to align your best friend duties and do all of these for her when she can’t identify her finger from her toes.
Always take away her phone (no questions asked)
Become the wall between her and all the creeps who try to grind with her like it’s the Mumbai local during the peak hours!
If she’s too drunk to pronounce the word ‘consciousness’, replace her drinks with water/coke, without her knowledge of course
Apologize to everyone she ends up offending or insulting in her drunken state, to save her from getting bitch slapped!
Tell her mom that she’s staying with you, since you it’s not safe for her to travel alone at night, even though the truth is that she can’t put one foot in front of the other
Keep her from being the subject of bar fights and if she still manages that, then drag her with you and run like hell.
Tie her hair up in a bun because you know she’s going to hurl after she hits her capacity
When the time comes to throw up, be her go-to water and tissue person in the bathroom
You’ll also have to pick up her heels and purse as she runs out with 1/4th the belongings she actually entered the club with.
She’s going to get hungry but she’s too drunk to eat, so tell her there is pizza waiting for her at home, she’ll follow you like a puppy.
When she starts singing or dancing like a crazy person on the road, dance with her, because despite everything… She’s goddamn fun when she’s drunk.
Keep a bottle of water, a bag to throw up in and a disprin, she’s going to need that to survive the hangover
Once you’re done, Â draw dicks on her face with a sketch pen, the next morning will be hilarious for you.
Record everything embarrassing that she does because it’s going to come in handy for blackmail or bachelorette party purposes
But the most important thing, tell her you love her too, when she drunkenly tells you how much she loves you.
The best is when I get to remind her of those nights! Memories for life.Â