Expectations.
It is the one word that invokes a round of sarcastic laughter, triggers sad memories and generates some really strong opinions. It is also the word, which almost everyone would agree, relates best to a feeling of being hurt. Even William Shakespeare, the greatest English writer our world has ever known, had once said,
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
We grow up trying to live up to the expectations of others, and we grow up to expect a lot from others. We believe it’s a give and take relationship; that others must do for us what we would do for them. Going by that logic, if we love someone, they must love us back. That’s how it works, right?
Absolutely not. Before you go on to call me fake and pretentious, let me tell you that I was not of this opinion always. I was too, just like most people, under the impression that love given must be returned. But unfortunately, the world doesn’t function that way. We do not always get kindness in return for being kind, and we do not always find love where we invest it.
As a woman who read too many Mills & Boon books during my teenage years, my worldview of how romance is supposed to be was stereotypical – extraordinary guy falls in love with an ordinary girl and they lived happily ever after! So obviously I believed I will find the ‘extraordinary love of my life’ too.
When the first guy I thought I loved rejected me, my self-confidence took a big hit and it took me a great deal to get over it. I was 16 years old, naive and gullible. In all honesty, I knew we had no chance because it wasn’t even true love. I just wanted my own Mills & Boon story. So I broke my own heart over and over again about it and strongly believed that something was lacking in me.
I grew up trying to constantly change myself because I never felt ‘good enough’ for anyone or anything, not even success. And while my reasons for doing so were stemming from my lack of self-worth, it only worked out for the best.
In my quest to lose weight, I found success and thereby, learned to love myself and accept my body-image issues. In my struggle to ‘seem’ more interesting, I started reading more and better books. In my desire to be socially outgoing, I joined a dance class to be able to enjoy myself.
With that, I became good at being a badass girl who didn’t care about what others thought of her, I didn’t seek social validation and I didn’t need a man on my arm to complete me.
All of that, until I fell in love with someone who was incapable of returning the love I felt for him. So another rejection, yes. But this time, I didn’t let it get to me.
Without delving into the details of this failed relationship, let’s just settle for the idea that it happened quite recently. Sometime around this time, I came across a video of a 20-year-old young woman called Amal Kassir, a Syrian-American poet who believed she could bring about a change in the world with her words.
She began most of her speeches and recitations with her introduction.
“My name is Amal. It means ‘Hope’ in Arabic.”
Her poems focus on the inhumane situations in Syria currently and her words had the power to drive me to tears. For days, I watched one video after the other; I began to introspect what am I doing to change the world, to make this a better place to live in?
That’s when the answer came to me. I figured that the least, the very least I could do on a personal level is to spread more love than anyone can handle. I decided I wanted to love without any expectations for once.
And I did just that. I loved that person with all my heart, even when he didn’t want to be loved, or thought that he deserved my love. And not just him, every other person who ever rejected me, hurt me or wronged me, I loved them all. I didn’t want to harbour any hatred, resentment or anger towards these people. I wanted them to feel loved, by me, if no one else, even if they did not reciprocate the feelings.
Eventually, just when I had stopped looking, a chance encounter lead me to someone who loves me for who I am, the way I always wanted to be loved. So you see, you are completely justified in hoping to find your true love. I am in no way asking you to stop looking for love. All I’m saying is that you must love freely, unconditionally and unapologetically.
On the other hand, for god’s sake, please do not mistake emotional or physical abuse as a form of ‘love’. Yes, it’s true when Stephen Chbosky said,
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
But if you think you love a person who is toxic for you, WALK AWAY. You can love them from afar, but you have to take care of yourself first.
Love is a happy feeling, it is supposed to be your strength. It is the most powerful weapon you are in control of and the ammo for it is unlimited. Use it carelessly, use it to win your battles. Unconditional love only doubles up to come back to you, if not immediately, eventually. Quoting my favourite song by Poets of the Fall to conclude,
“Like morning dew, love will come again to you.”