13 Times You Wanted To Disappear At Family Functions

They are always there lurking around the corner, sharpening their taunts, watching you take a sip of your brother’s alcohol, waiting to pounce at you when you least expect it. They are family!

Even though most of us live in a nuclear family, it’s hard to avoid the extended relatives for longer than a month. Especially at Dadi’s birthday, Mama’s wedding, Chintu’s graduation, Minty’s baby shower or just about any other Sunday afternoon. But during these family shindigs, there are those select times when you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole.

1. When drunk old aunty comes to you and asks you to join the Bhangra Circle/ Garba Formation

 

2. When they all ask you, ‘Beta tumhara koi boyfriend/girlfriend hai, ke humme doodhna padega?’

 

3. When they look you up and down and say, ‘Arre tumne weight put on kar liya hai?’.

Then they look at your mom and say, ‘Isse har din ek cup garam paani pila, meri Munni ne bhi 5 kgs reduce kar diya paani peike’. Because garam paani has, ‘100kgs of aacha munda milna chaiye +  5 kgs of shirdi ka prasad’.

 

4. Or they ask you to put Haldi ka lep because ‘Wheatish’ is not a complexion, just a grain.

 

5. Then they get their friend’s son Mintu, an engineer with 1 lakh CTC, to just ‘talk to you’.

Because, ‘Agla tumhara number hai!’

 

6. When they say for the 4,12,600th time, ‘Beta tumne khana khaya? Tum logon ka pasta bhi mil raha hai’.

Because we youngsters are synonyms with Pasta.

 

7. When the feminist in you is insulted each time they talk about your profession. ‘Writer, haan aacha hai, shaadi ke baad tum ye ghar se bhi kar sakti ho’.

And God forbid if you are an Event planner, ‘Shaadi ke baad toh ye choodna padega, warna sasural waale kya kahenge jab tum 11pm ghar aaogi?’

 

8. When Pammi aunty be talking about her Bunty like he’s President Obama.

And all you’ve done today is brush your teeth.

 

9. And the only accomplishment they expect from you is cooking like you’re the next Tarla Dalal

 

10. When mom comes to you armed with an excited aunty and a clueless uncle and says, ‘Do you remember aunty Sheela and uncle Papu, you used to play in their pool and milk their cows?’

As if they’re the Adam Sandler to my Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates.

 

11. When you become the Pokemon handler, only now Pikachu and Charmander are replaced by 5 year old, Mintus, Chintus, Papus, Guddus and Dollys.

And you get squat for all your baby sitting efforts, unless you count the occasional hair tug from your harassers.

 

12. And last but not the least, the awkward silence filler, ‘Tum kitni badi ho gayi ho’.

Because without you saying that, I’d probably become Peter Pan and remain a little girl forever. But atleast, I’d be in Neverland and you’d never get in there, Pammi aunty.

 

13. If at all you look even slightly free or happy, the relatives will find you and hand you their purses or send you looking for mintu’s Papa.

Because an idle mind is a destroyer of family functions.

So be safe and always carry an aspirin when attending a fam jam!

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