The loss of a loved one can be extremely hard to deal with. Remember Holly from P.S. I Love You, and how difficult it was for her to do basic things around the house when her husband passed away? Sure, family and friends are there to help you through it, but sometimes, even their efforts aren’t enough. So then, what can shake you out of that limbo? This Twitter user has a story that might help….
In the days following the death of her father, @Sheilakahtleen found it tough to go on with her life. While she was supposed to be setting up her new apartment, she instead ended up crying for 19 days straight.
The year after my dad died was so bad I don't remember 90% of it. I moved to a new apt and was unable to unpack. For MONTHS. I was ashamed I couldn't unpack. How can you be UNABLE to unpack? Just open the g.d. boxes. That was the year I cried for 19 days. Straight. /1
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Her high-school friend David tried to be supportive in the usual way. But he could see that it wasn’t helping. And so, he decided to take a huge risk.
My good friend David – whom I've known since high school – knew I was struggling and he felt helpless. He said "you are loved" "we need you". I was like, "Doesn't matter, but thanks." So he took a risk. It very well could have ended badly. I could have lashed out. /2
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
What did David do exactly? Well, he called for reinforcements….
I could have been really REALLY offended. But he took the risk. He sent out an email to a group of local friends (w/out my knowledge) and said, "Sheila is struggling. She needs our help. Let's all go over there and unpack her apartment for her. Bring food. Let's make it fun." /3
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Were his pleas for help answered? Oh yes. Yes, they were. And the friends rose so magnificently to the occasion!
At 6 pm on Thursday night the doorbell rang and 10 of my friends barged in, bearing platters of food, cleaning products, and complete unconcern for my 'wait … you CAN'T COME IN HERE I HAVEN'T UNPACKED YET" protestations. They ignored me and got to work. /5
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Her friends’ enthusiasm and eagerness to help her were no match for Sheila’s despair. Like Santa’s elves, they set to work, setting up their friend’s apartment for her.
Because that’s what friends do, isn’t it?
They unpacked my boxes. They put away my 1,500 books. They hung pictures for me. They organized my closet and put away all my clothes. Meanwhile, someone set up a taco-making station in the kitchen. People brought beer. By the end of the night, my apartment was all set up. /6
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Sheila describes them as superheros, who just barged in and saved her apartment! And while she was initially hesitant to relinquish control, eventually she just gave in.
One of my friends basically took over hanging all of my posters and pictures. "I'm really good at measuring stuff. Let me put all these up in your hallway." I hovered, not wanting to give up control: "wait … put that one there maybe?" She said, "Go away." I did. /8
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Check them doing their magic!
And she was so much better at hanging stuff than I was! Here are my friends putting away my books. /9 pic.twitter.com/YM87gF1pLs
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
It wasn’t all work work work! Throw some food in the mix and you’re got yourself a fun scene!
Here's a break for dinner. Please note that my friend Sheila's dinner plate is resting on my DVD player. /10 pic.twitter.com/L1izHmR30P
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Slowly, and with this loving effort from her friends, Sheila’s apartment was finally transformed into her home. And she didn’t know what to say or how to thank them for it.
How could she even begin to explain how much this meant to her? Well, she didn’t need to much….
At the end of the night, I looked at my friend's husband – a quiet tactiturn guy who drives a tugboat on the Hudson – practical, man of few words – and I just looked at him, speechless, not knowing how to say Thank You, especially to this tough resilient self-sufficient man.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
He looked at me, saw the look on my face, understood the look, understood everything that was behind it – and said, “Listen, baby, what we did today was a barn-raising.”
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Barn-raising, was a common sight in the UK and US in the 18th-19th century. Every farmer had to have a barn, which he and his family had to build on their own. But since it was heavy work and costly too, the community members would join in and help build the structure, without seeking anything in return. The only payment was the understanding that some day, when they would need help in raising their own barn, the favour would be returned.
Isn’t that a beautiful thought?
In her parting thoughts, Sheila managed to point out a rather important observation. Counselling people to ‘ask for help’ is easy. But actually ‘asking for help’ is not.
That's the end. The "ask for help" advice is well-meaning but not really thought through. There's shame, there's enforced helplessness, there's the feeling you're not worth it, etc. My friends didn't wait for me to ask. They showed up. They took over. They didn't ask.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Sheila gave full credit to her friends for overstepping the usual formalities and taking control of a situation she couldn’t. Sure, there was a risk, but wasn’t it all worth it in the end?
When they all swept out of there 4 hours later, my place was a home. Not only was everything put away – but now it had a memory attached to it, a group memory, friends, laughing, dirty jokes, hard work. These are the kinds of friends I have. Be that kind of friend to others.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Her last tweet gives you those emotional goosebumps, you know, the ones that you get when you come across something so simple yet so profound…. What kind of a friend should you be?
To reiterate: this plan could have backfired. I very well could have been offended, insulted, hurt. David took that risk. Being a friend takes commitment. A willingness to take that risk.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Her emotional story touched a lot of hearts on Twitter, with people sharing their own stories of dealing with bereavement.
Sheila was lucky to have friends who didn’t wait for her to ask what she wanted, but went ahead and gave her what she needed.
Treading the slippery slope that is depression…
Sheila, your post was very eye opening to me in so many ways. I have always thought of depression as the “devil’s work” because it becomes a slippery slope so quickly. I too work at keeping many friendships going, especially with those who I know would be there for me
— Patricia (@sanderbender) June 9, 2018
Death of a parent can be devastating.
I also love the acknowledgment that the death of a parent can be devastating. I had at least a year of fog after Mum died.
— Deborah (Still mostly in my bubble) Jones 🐿 (@deborahjonesnz) June 8, 2018
Facing the dreaded ‘How are you?’ from everyone.
Thanks for sharing this. I was 27 when my mom died at the age of 46. I wanted to wear a sign that said, “My mom died” so that I wouldn’t have to chit chat or respond to “how are you?”
— Amy Lively (@Ms_Historian) June 8, 2018
Her story is a nice nudge for those friends who want to be there for a person in Sheila’s situation!
Thank you for sharing. I feel like you’ve given those of us concerned about someone the permission to take a risk and barge in.
— Eva J (@aromaker5) June 8, 2018
As for Sheila, it looks like she’s doing okay, with loads of help from her friends. And she’s definitely the wise for it!
You're so welcome! I think there's a lot of shame (at least there is for me). It's hard to say "I need help." The night w/my friends solved none of my problems. But it made me feel like part of the human family again. I hope you find your way, and let people help you too!
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
#FriendsLikeFamily, anyone?