How often do we all like to remember our first crushes, how it made us feel alive?
If you ask me, I am a very frequent wanderer of a land, that exists only in my head. I do understand that it might get a little insane at times, but I do like to wonder about the question, ‘What If..?’ from time to time.
And that brings us to what I have in store for you today. Under the question What is the most complicated romantic relationship you’ve had? on Quora, we not only ended up discovering a beautiful relationship, but a sour ending too.
Someone wise once said, “Reality is stranger than fiction.” And he couldn’t have been more right. This girl anonymously confesses about being rejected by life, circumstances and this guy she had a crush on since she was 12 years old, TWICE. Read along –
It is really just so weird that this question should pop up on my Quora feed today. Only yesterday I was super high with a friend and telling him about my relationship with a guy I met 15 years ago. After I finished with the story , he told me I should write a book about it. Here are a few excerpts :
Well , so it all started when I was 12 years old. That was the first time I met this guy. Let’s call him Shash. He was 13. We used to play tennis together. He was my very first crush. Do you remember your very first crush ? It is so weird , all the feelings you get when you see them. How you make an effort to catch a glimpse of them during the day. You memorize their birthdays and their phone numbers. And all that is so confusing because that’s happening to you for the first time.
Anyway , so he didn’t like me in the same way. We were friends, just not as close as I would have liked to be. In hindsight, I think I spent a lot of time drooling over him. 4 years to be precise !
I started dating someone else when I turned 16. Shash and I graduated from school and I went to a different city for my bachelor’s degree. Everytime I returned to my hometown to meet my parents , I used to meet Shash as well. Our relationship had matured. We had become friends. I was dating a different guy in college now and shash, well maybe he was dating someone too. I didn’t ask him too much about that.
Fast forward 5 years, Shash and I now had jobs in different cities. One fine day he texted me saying that he is coming to my city and we should catch up. I was excited to see him. I was single at the time but I had no clue what was happening in his life. It had been so long since we had met or talked or even chatted.
He came to my place. We went out for drinks. We ended up making out later. Both of us knew better than to get into a long distance relationship and besides in the next 6 months I was moving to a whole different country for my higher studies. We decided to go back to just being friends.
I went for my higher studies. I met a wonderful guy. Lets call him sky. I was sure I wanted to marry sky. Sky and I had an amazing chemistry. I visited my parents once and I happened to meet Shash again. I told him about sky and how I am so excited to get married to him. He texted me later that he was so happy to see me and he regrets us not being together. I told him “maybe it was never meant to be.” And that was that.
Fast forward 1.5 years, Shash came to the same country, in a different state although, for his higher studies. Only last year, I happened to visit that city to meet my friends and I met shash as well. We ended up spending my entire vacation together, in his house. We couldn’t resist each other.
I don’t know if it was nostalgia or something else , it just felt great. Like something that you have been waiting for, your entire life and finally you get it. That feeling ! It’s incredible.
Anyway, now, its been 5 months. A lot of things happened , which is a story for another time. I confessed to sky that I cheated on him, he left me. And after whatever happened between me and Shash, he felt that he couldn’t trust me enough (understandably), and that he didn’t want to continue being in a relationship with me.
It feels like I am at the same place I started at 15 years ago. Very few people have the fortune of being rejected by the same guy twice in their lives (and 15 years apart). Besides, I have lost everything for the pursuit of something that I could never get. I live alone and I am pretty much at a really dark place right now. Shash thinks I just “used” him because I wanted to have some fun before I got married. And sky, well sky has gotten his heart broken by the 1 person he trusted the most in his life. I hope he gets the strength to love someone again.
And what have I learnt from all of this ?
“Some chapters of your life , once closed, should never be opened again. Re-visiting your long lost forgotten desires will only harm your present and your future. In the end, you are just left alone, picking up the pieces of your life, one day at a time.”
Not all love stories have a happy ending, do they?
This story is not just about a broken relationship, we all go through one. We end up making the wrong choices, because the ever lingering thought of ‘What if’ haunts us. But, you should realise that no matter how bad you fall after making a decision, there is always hope, you can get up. If you open your eyes and find no one who truly loves you, start loving yourself.