We continue interviewing pets in this article. If you want to read the interviews of a dog, a cat, a monkey, a hamster and a parrot go to Interviewing Pets – If Pets Could Talk Like Humans (Part 1).
Goldfish
Interviewer – “I do not know how to proceed…”
Goldfish – “Why?”
Interviewer waits for 3 seconds.
Interviewer – “I do not know how to proceed…”
Goldfish – “Why the fuck are you saying the same shit again?”
Interviewer – “How?”
Goldfish – “What do you mean, how?! Do you even interview, bro?”
Interviewer – “I thought goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds.”
Goldfish – “Who told you that?”
Interviewer – “It’s a well-known fact.”
Goldfish – “It is a well-known fact published in a reputed research publication?”
Interviewer – “No. Wait. Let me Google it.”
Goldfish – “OMG! Which is the more stupid species over here? This goddamn bowl is keeping me in! I want to swim away from you and watch Finding Nemo! Take me away! Someone come and take my bowl away from this horrible man!”
Horse
Interviewer – “Your hair looks great!”
Horse – “Thanks! They washed it with conditioner today for the interview. Look I even brushed my teeth, with a whitening agent!”
Interviewer – “Wow! Your teeth look fabulous. And so white!”
Horse – “IKR! I spent 20 minutes in front of the mirror admiring myself! And look! Look at this!”
Horse shows interviewer his horseshoes.
Horse – “Titanium alloy, baby! No more worn out replacements!”
Interviewer – “The bling!”
Horse – “Thanks, man! You are nice!”
Interviewer – “It’s my job to be nice! How is everything in your life?”
Horse – “It’s good, I mean I love racing and running.”
Interviewer – “Awesome.”
Horse – “But sometimes you know, I feel like I want to run without a person on me and no reins to direct me. Freedom, you know.”
Interviewer – “Yeah.”
Horse – “But then I see you guys go through life, and you go through the same shit as me, it’s just that your saddles and reins are different. That’s when I realize, it’s the same rut we are in together.”
Interviewer – “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The interviewer gets a call.
Interviewer – “I have to take this, excuse me. Hey honey, I know…I know….I did not forget honey. I will be there. No, I will not make up any excuses like the last time. Ok. But do I really have to? They hate me! Ok ok…I will be there…and yes, I will behave…no more stupid jokes…yes, yes…see you.”
The interviewer sighs as he disconnects the call.
Cheetah
Interviewer – “Hi how are you?”
Cheetah – “You look delicious!”
Interviewer blushes.
Interviewer – “Thank you, but all this is 90% make up.”
Cheetah – “You look so delicious I could eat you up.”
Interviewer – “Oh stop it, you! First it’s all the ladies on the road, and now you.”
Cheetah – “Nah bro! I literally want to rip those chubby cheeks off your face and eat them!”
Interviewer – “Awwwwwwwww.”
Cheetah – “Then I want to disembowel you and eat your intestines.”
Interviewer – “Woah! Rein all the love in. It’s going too far. Someone call the police, we might have a stalker here! HAHAHAHAHA!”
Cheetah – “Come here man, let me lick your face.”
Interviewer – “Oh you’re kinky! Naughty big kinky cat. Heh heh heh!”
Mouse
Interviewer – “Hello Mr. Mouse!”
Mouse – “I am a miss.”
Interviewer – “I am sorry, you will have to speak up.”
Mouse – “I am a lady.”
Interviewer – “Do you workout by running on a wheel too, cause you look a bit tired.”
Mouse – “No! I just had 20 kids the day before, and my hubby is pushing for another 20, he wants a large family.”
Interviewer – “Wow!”
Mouse – “Also, I ate three of my kids from the first batch, because I was feeling so hungry.”
Interviewer – “Uhhhh….”
Mouse – “Then my hubby says he wants even more. And I can’t really balance by eating them all, can I? Even I have a limit to how many of my children I can eat, right?”
Interviewer – “Yeah….”
Mouse – “Look at my baby bump. I think there are more than 20 in there. I think I will eat at least 4 of them this time. I only thought of 14 names, and I am running out of names to give them.”
Interviewer – “Excuse me, but I have to go somewhere…”
Turtle
Interviewer – “How are you doing little man?”
Turtle – “Who are you calling little man, punk?”
Interviewer – “Uhhhh…”
Turtle – “How old are you, punk?”
Interviewer – “I am 22, sir.”
Turtle – “Well, son, I am 44. I could be your dad.”
Interviewer – “Really? You do not look one day older than 10.”
Turtle – “You need a good smack on your bottom. Let me get over there, I will teach you a proper lesson, you spoilt brat!”
Turtle starts walking towards the interviewer. The interviewer glances at his watch.
Interviewer – “This is going to take a while won’t it?”
Turtle – “I am gonna make you remember your mom!”
Interview glances at his watch and then at the turtle slowly waddling towards him.
Interviewer – “Can we get some questions answered in the time you take to get here?”
Turtle – “Punk ass bitch!”
If you have a pet animal in your mind you would like to be interviewed, let us know!