Hierarchy Of BITCH-iness, Inspired By Maslow.


Inspired by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we came up with a similar theory, which will not be recognized in school syllabus or in the psychological field. It is based on absolutely no scientific research, just plain observation. After reading this, you might think differently about yourself.

Bitchiness is a quality present in all female creatures. The extent of Bitchiness solemnly depends upon the needs fulfilled. The pyramid of hierarchy shows the basic needs at the bottom and goes on to the important ones towards the top.


Physiological Needs:

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These Physiological needs contain the very basic townie needs to be a bitch, an important factor to consider is which part of the city you come from. For example, someone who’s from Colaba automatically wins over someone from Belapur. In this category it is extremely essential to breath the townie air. You need to have access to the smell of money, the view any legitimate water body (No Thane creek doesn’t count) or park, easy access to Starbucks, free entry or ability to get yourself on the guest list of a night club on a Saturday night and ATLEAST a good car (Nano not included).


Security Needs:

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This category concerns the crème de le crème of the Bitch community. However in this category there are basic needs.

Basic: It is essential to carry a branded bag at all times, have no knowledge of the public transport system, have a house with at least one maid, a Nexus or an iPhone, a One Plus will do too .

Crème de le crème: A house with at least one pool, an Audi. Bank accounts across more than 2 banks, minimum of 500 Rs in your Gucci clutch per day.


Social Needs:

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If you identify yourself as a normal human after the two categories then watch out. Social needs are a complex category, which shows their need for attention. It includes having a high status in your environment, the gang leader, leader of a cult. In this category everyone needs to have every single piece of information about everyone’s life. For example, when someone sees person A pass by, a bitch should be able to say one of the following things about A

  • She was the one who made out/passed out/danced on a table at that party.
  • She’s the girl who just doesn’t stop answering. Too smart for her own good
  • She’s the one who almost ran away with the Xerox guy

This person also feels the incessant need to stand out in the crowd, which is why you will often identify them as:

The girl who believes in Santa/ Ghosts/Aliens

The Goth chick

The girl who chases people down the road for throwing a wrapper.

The girl who speaks/sings/laughs VERY loudly

The girl who can’t stop dancing, thrusting her boobs in people’s faces when they least expect it.

The girl who has a double meaning for everything we say.

The girl who acts like The Donkey (Shrek fame) in front of anything with a penis.

These people also need to show that they have had some kind of contact with male species.

So they often end up bragging about a relationship or an encounter. They belittle your problems because they have had to face THE REAL LIFE PROBLEMS.


Esteem Needs:

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This revolves around their need to be noticed and appreciated. They are ALWAYS right. They start a baseless rumor, which becomes a fact and circulates along with the College Brochure. They need all consuming power. They need to be in the limelight. Their motto is ‘All publicity is good publicity’

This sums up the types of needs. As the person achieves one need after the other she goes on to develop the quality of Bitchiness to the extent where she has her own set of small time bitches under her.


What’s your Bitchiness quotient?

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