Hello, I am your daily horoscope writer.
But today, after I woke up, I got bored and smoked up half a joint. That got me high. Now, I really do not have much of a job other than making random shit up for the 12 sun signs every day. I submit them to my editor by the end of the day (they call it EOD, lol). I do not know why I laughed at that. Anyway, my editor called in and wants the horoscopes in one hour.
Now, you see, if I was the real deal, I would have foreseen this happening, but I didn’t and now I am fucked. So I am going to write them in the state I am in. The horoscopes will sound a bit off, but in the end, they have the same amount of credibility normal horoscopes have. LOL.
So, here goes! Abracadabra!
Heh heh heh, I am so high.
1. Aquarius
You will like pooping while you left home, but you will ignore it and then you will want to poop badly, but you will be stuck in a traffic jam. Also, you will get the urge to start saving some money, but then your friends will call you for drinks and you will lose all your money in the large bill and all your dreams about saving money will go to waste.
Sucker! LOL
2. Pisces
People will be unnaturally cheerful around you today and you will want to choke them to death, especially that irritating colleague who keeps speaking how awesome her life is. You will think of elaborate plans to kill them but they will not work. You will go to jail, so the easy thing is to just keep calm and download stuff using the company internet.
Oh, and BTW, your boss totally knows you do that.
3. Aries
You will mistakenly slip that you have a crush on Rahul Gandhi, but no one will understand that it is only about his good looks. Then to complicate things further you will also say that Arvind Kejriwal and Donald Trump have a certain sex appeal.
You should Totally meditate on your sexuality today.
Not that I am against any sexual orientation. No. I am as liberal as they come.
4. Taurus – I am running out of generic statements now
You will see a dead rat on the road. Then a beggar will come up to you at a traffic signal asking for some money, and you will feel pity rise up and give the money. But then you will go to your cigarette guy near that traffic signal and the guy will tell you that the beggars around the place earn more than 40,000 rupees a month, more than you.
You will hate beggars after that.
Also, you smoke, so you are dead. LOL.
5. Gemini
Your friend will ask you for a change of 500 rupees, and even though you have the change, you will say you don’t have. You will not know why you did that. You will pass a lot of time on youtube doing nothing but watching old Roadies episodes.
You will enjoy people bitching about each other and you will then watch Big Boss reruns.
Then you will swear off Youtube for life, only to go back to it after 15 minutes of taking the oath.
Now you know how awesome Bhishma was.
6. Cancer
You will cut yourself while shaving your pubic hair. And that part will itch like a bitch, and whenever you will scratch that itch the people around you will take you to be an uncouth and uncivilized hooligan who scratched his balls when horny.
Also, if you are a woman, you will do this and lose 200 points on your sexiness, except for that one man in your office/college who likes that kind of kinky shit.
7. Leo
You will come across a Humans of Bombay and Humans of New York page and read their shitty stories and feel that their stories are less eventful than your life. Then you will come across a cartoon made by some internet douchebag and that will make more sense than the Humans of Whatever page.
You will wonder why for the next 3 hours, and now you will waste time and be behind deadlines everywhere for the day.
8. Virgo
You will get your favorite dish from your favorite restaurant packed and when you will get home it will not taste like the way you remembered.
Then you will lay with your wife and realize the same thing about your lovemaking with her too.
Welcome to life!
9. Libra
If you are a woman you will be pinched on the butt on the bus. After going through so many feminism posts on social media, you will want to thrash the guy, but when you will turn and look back you will not know who molested you and you will go through the day, regretting that you didn’t do anything.
If you are a guy, you will have a misogynistic thought.
10. Scorpio
You will go to school without doing your homework and assignment and the teacher will punish everyone except you, because you were somehow not pulled up by the teacher. You will feel good about it even though your best friend is punished.
For the adults, you will think about spending the day with your parents, but then your crush will text you and you will cancel your parents plan in the hope to land a date with your crush.
Turns out she just wanted a favor and now you cannot spend time with your parents either.
11. Saggitarius
You will get tired of being a Salman Khan fan. It is getting too tiring now. You really thought he had potential, now turns out you are starting to think he is an asshole too.
But as soon as you start looking for a replacement, you will start liking Hrithik Roshan after the Kangana Ranaut drama, and coincidentally you like the new Mohenjo Daro trailer too.
You really need to figure out where you are going in your life.
This horoscope ain’t gonna help.
12. Capricorn
Oh, finally the last one! I have to put special effort to stay committed to the art of bullshittery by the time I reach here.
Thinking hard of generic terms –
Uh, you will have the need of saving money and you will go to the bank but then you will be distracted by the hot bank teller who sits there, and she will sell you a policy right on the spot.
And if you are a woman, uh…..you will get sexually harassed and objectified today. Yup. That’s foolproof!
There I am done with this shit.
Time to get some munchies!
LOL
So long suckers!
– Fulljaan Weedwala