Here’s An Idiot’s Guide On How To Behave In Indian Traffic

Everyone complains about how bad Indian traffic is, and I believe that we need pragmatic solutions to make Indian traffic a better experience for all of us.

So here I put in a few pointers to behave appropriately on Indian roads.

Points to keep in mind while walking through Indian traffic:

 

1. Always walk on the middle of the road

Who cares about motorized vehicles? Roads are for walking. Driving may be a privilege, but walking is a right.

What about footpaths?

I will answer your question with another question – What is a footpath? Please do not talk about things that do not exist in our country.

 

2. Do not look right and left for traffic before crossing

Cross bindass. Never cross on zebra crossings. Zebra-painted areas are for the first line of vehicles waiting for the light to turn green. Who told you that they were there for pedestrian crossing? Pfft. Law abiding citizens.

 

3. If you are a group of 4-5 people walking, always walk alongside each other, and never in a single file

Also – walk on the middle of the road, like you are NASA astronauts walking to your space vehicle. Get some attitude on that face too. Also – hold hands. Everyone – hold hands.

Points to keep in mind while driving in Indian traffic:

 

4. Never, ever, give an indicator before turning

Be a daredevil. And if something happens, turn it on AFTER the altercation and argue that you had it ON all the time.

 

5. Overtake from both the sides

Why always the right side? Then the left side feels left out.

 

6. Drive REAL close to each other.

The average space between two vehicles must be at the most 10 nanometers.

Now let’s get some education about traffic light signals.

What the traffic light signals actually mean in Indian traffic:

 

7. 20 seconds to green light

Try to look for spaces between vehicles to squeeze yours into. What do you mean there is no space? There’s one right there, look….and it’s gone! Now you will reach your destination 2 seconds later than that guy. Well done!

 

8. 10 seconds to green light

Rev up your engine like the start of a Formula 1 race. Puncture everyone’s eardrums.

 

9. 5 seconds to green light

This is the actual green light, regardless of what the traffic light suggests. Start honking like crazy.

 

10. Green light

Hell yeah! Floor that accelerator like you are Vin Diesel from Fast and Furious.

 

11. Yellow light

Breakneck speed.

 

12. Red light plus 2 seconds

You can still can get through. Never lose hope. Never take no for an answer, especially from traffic signals. Cause they are inanimate and do not have feelings.

 

13. Red light plus 5 seconds

Ah shucks. It’s okay, you just have to wait for 100 seconds. Surf Facebook and WhatsApp your friends. After all phones are supposed to be used on roads, right?! AMIRITE!?!?

Some extra tips…

 

14. Every morning practice your most offended expression in front of the mirror

Helps, when something happens on the road, even if it is your fault. Actually, it is never your fault – keep that in mind, even if evidence points exceedingly towards it.

 

15. Practice the innocent puppy face too

Handy when caught by traffic cops.

 

16. Always keep change in handy

You know why. To buy flowers from roadside vendors. Obviously.

Drive safe. Wear a helmet. Even in a car.

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