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I miss those butterflies. You know the ones you had when you knew someone liked you? Or the time you felt a flutter when the guy you’d dreamt about, suddenly asks you to pass a sugar sachet? It’s a wonderful feeling but alas, along the way somewhere we lose it and replace it with a need for money, sex and everything else that’s wrong with the world. So you often find yourself wondering if that was just a childhood phenomenon.
But when you meet the right person, it will all come back to you.
1. The chords to an unfinished romance
He wasn’t what I’d call my type. I shouldn’t even think about the whole type question, considering I had a boyfriend. But, like with all relationships, long distance is a bitch to everyone. So yeah, I fell for all the brooding-artist persona. I wouldn’t ever tell him, because he was my punching bag. Every bad day at office, every sad day in the relationship department and every disappointment with life, felt like it didn’t exist when I joked around with him.
I don’t know if it was over those chai-sutta breaks or the house parties, but I liked him, just a little bit more everyday.
It didn’t help that he was such a nice person, someone who’d openly admit to being fucked up and still believe in the concept of love. You don’t get a lot of 25-year-olds like that. I saw him look at me more than once, he’d steal glances, annoy me, do everything to get my attention. I decided not to tell him, or do anything about it, because that was the right thing to do.
I eventually ended up marrying my boyfriend.
And today, as we enter Rockefeller Centre, I see his head full of salt and pepper hair ruffled in the air as he starts playing the chords to his International bestseller. I park myself next to his beautiful wife and wish life had played out differently. I wish I’d had the guts to own up to my feelings, because now all I have is a memory of the good times.
2. Friendship or love?
I’d known her forever. I held her hand when she got scared watching Bhulbhulaiya, I defended her when she broke someone’s window while playing cricket, I even held her hair while she threw up after her having her first Vodka cranberry. My entire childhood was wrapped into this one, shy, witty and beautiful girl. And everyone who mattered, knew how she felt about me, I did too.
But I turned a blind eye towards it, because if I lost her, I’d lose a part of myself.
Eventually, hormones got in the way and I lead her on. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to be her first, I felt like it was my right. I was 16 and entitled. So I did kiss her, I dated her for 2 years, until I told her the truth. I had always been in love with her best friend, someone who was everything she was not, she was bold, lively and she showed us what fun really meant. It’s safe to say she was heartbroken. And it was all my fault. I went on to date her best friend anyway.
Our dates were meaningless, our conversations were stilted, she never got my jokes and she wasnt scared in scary movies.
I knew that I had built her up in my head, just because everyone around me seemed to like her, I’d gone in the same direction. But it was too late to go back to the one true love I had let go of. She was with another man and killed me that I wanted to be her first because in all reality, I wanted to be her last and that is something he took away from me.
3. An unanswered letter
Her StoryÂ
He was in my history lectures. I saw him everyday, being a smartass. I was quiet fascinated by how much he knew. I’d find myself smiling as soon as he walked through the door. His mismatched clothes, his careless demeanour and his unruly hair, were all a part of his charm. Well, he’d catch me smiling every time and smile right back. I decided to write him a letter, I knew it was time to make my feelings clear. The next day I was waiting for him to come in and smile, but he never did.
That was the last day I saw him.
Till date I think about him and smile, I have no idea where he is, but I’m sure he’s making the world a better place with his charm.
His Story
She was easily the prettiest girl I’d ever met. Everytime I entered the classroom, I’d look for the bright smile and those deep brown eyes. I showed off in class for her benefit, because each time I did, she’d turn around and smile that brilliant smile. I’d never felt like talking to any girl as much as her, I wasn’t much of a ladies man, but for her, I wanted to be perfect. So while I was rehearsing what I’d say to her, when I spoke to her for the first time, a friend of mine passed me a letter. She’d written that letter to me.
My heart stopped. It was so eloquent, so sweet and it made me want to kiss her.
I went home, ready to pen down an equally good letter, but my dad was at it again. He was beating my mom and I couldn’t stand it, I broke up the fight and took his beating instead. Finally, I escaped into my happy place, the only one I knew, I rewrote my letter for her 4 times, till I actually got it right. The next morning I was walking happily to college, rereading her letter and I looked up to see her smile flash before my eyes. But that was the last thing I saw before I spotted the speeding truck headed in my direction and clutched both our letters in my fist.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, how terrified you are or the magnitude of your feelings. What matters is letting them know, before it’s too late.Â
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