You know how in the zombie movies they show people doing heroic things, like saving other people and doing very unrealistic things like going to an amusement park and such.
I am not doing any of those things. I am a simple man, and definitely not a hero. And I also know that I am not going to last very long during a zombie apocalypse.
So, I am going to live the last few days of my life doing what I want to do all the time.
1. Go to a supermarket and eat everything!
Processed food! Chips! Cheese! Cheese balls! Cream biscuits! Ice cream! Unlimited ice cream!
I will eat everything! And I will take my laptop with headphones so that I can watch my favorite movies while pigging out.
Also, I don’t think I will last a long time, so I don’t really care about what I am going to eat.
2. Move around in my underwear
I hate wearing clothes. You get sweaty and you cannot do anything about it. You always have to adjust your pants when they get up your butt crack.
I will move everywhere in just my underpants. Underpants and combat shoes. Underpants, combat shoes and a cowboy hat. In winters, I will wear comfy woolen pajamas. Jam-jams without anything underneath – even when I am outside.
3. Drive a train
With everyone dead and dying, I do not think that the railways will be well-protected. I would sneak into an engine and start driving!
Yes, it will take some time to figure out the controls, but I really want to drive a train. Also, not stopping the train when zombies are on the tracks in front of me.
4. Mix bhang (cannabis) in meat and feed it to the zombies
I know where to get bhang. I will mix a lot of it in meat.
Eventually, there will be a scarcity of live human flesh because everyone just died, so they will want to eat regular meat. I spike it with a lot of bhang and chuck it in front of them.
Won’t the whole scene be amusing? Aggressive bloodthirsty zombies dancing to “Om Shanti Om.” LOL.
5. Film zombies making out
Oh, they will start romancing eventually. When the carnage ends, they will get bored. Bored of picking normal brains – literally, they will start picking each other’s brains – figuratively. And when they do, I will film them! So that I can become the post-zombie-apocalypse romance film-maker, because I cannot become one in real life.
Also, once they see my movies, they will find the appeal in them, and then there will be love in all the zombies and I will be the King of Love! The modern day Cupid!
And they won’t kill me because I make lovely movies of love with zombies in them, and they will want more!
6. Make rude gestures at everyone
Do you ever have a bad day, so bad that you just want to flip everyone off?! Just go on the road, on your vehicle and hold the middle finger high up in everyone’s faces?
It is rude to do this today. Because everyone is a human being with a heart and feelings and I cannot hurt them! Blergh!
But now, in the zombie world, I can do it, and I will! And the best part is, they still have the same faces!
Flipping everyone off out of joy! Pure joy!
7. Raid a bookstore
When there are riots on the streets and everyone is raiding stores I will be raiding bookstores.
Aaaah books! Lovely books and no more paying exuberant prices to read my favorite authors and to take as many books as I want! I will take them all!
And when all power goes out, I will read them under a blanket with a torchlight and eating my favorite chips that I took from the supermarket. The best way to spend time.
8. Take very long baths
Sometimes, when I am taking a shower – doesn’t matter if it is a hot or a cold one – I wish I could just sit in there under the glorious flow of water and just sit there. Doing nothing. No knocks on the bathroom door, telling me to hurry up. No more “Oh shit! I am already late for work!”
Just sit there forever and think. Peace.
9. Fill the petrol tank in my bike – fully, for once.
For a long time, this has been one of my fantasies – a full tank of petrol in my bike. that darned fuel indicator is always near the “E” sign in the red.
Just before the petrol pumps go under, I will fill my bike full of petrol, without grumbling about fuel prices!
That sweet sound of the petrol churning inside the full tank! OMG! That’s the life!