Imagine a world where men would not rape, assault, harass women. I say imagine, because right now, that’s all we can do. That’s all the current gruesome reality permits us to do. Imagine. And as you imagine this, you’ll come to the conclusion that the defining element to build this perfect imaginery world is consent, and men who chose to respect it.
As India is rocked by harassment allegations by an actress against a beloved senior actor, the United States is struggling to come to terms with the testimonies of a sexual assault survivor and her assaulter, who is the President’s nominee for the next Supreme Court judge.
What’s startlingly common in both these cases from two ends of the world, as well as in almost every other case of crimes against women, is the lack of belief in the victim’s truth.
Questions like “She did not say ‘No”; “But he is such a great guy!”; “Where is the physical proof of the rape?”; “Why has she chosen to speak Up after all this time?” are meant to first and foremost weaken the victim’s case.
But as actor Siddharth puts it in simple and clear words, first and foremost, you’ve got to LISTEN to her story.
If a women speaks out about abuse, you listen. Even if it's on her deathbed 50 years after the incident,you listen. If you ask why she didn't speak earlier or you rush to dismiss her, the problem is with you. There will be investigation; but first, listen. Period. #TanushreeDutta
— Siddharth (@Actor_Siddharth) September 28, 2018
But there’s one more thing that ties these two and all the cases of rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment together: Men’s grasping of the concept of ‘consent’. And the following thread shows us just that.
In her thread, Twitter user Maura Quint takes us through several incidents in her life when the men she encountered were not rapists. Why were they not? Because they chose to wait for her consent. And when she didn’t give it, they respected that too.
The result? Maura’s faith in men was not shattered and she genuinely believed in #NotAllMen.
It’s quite simple really, ‘No’ means ‘No’. ‘Maybe’ means ‘No’. ‘Yes’ at first, and a ‘Stop, I’m not sure anymore’ in the middle of a consensual act also means ‘No’. It really isn’t rocket science and these men did it quite effortlessly!
“Maybe isn’t a yes”
I want to tell a story: Once in high school, I felt insecure, I put on a tight top too low cut and dark lipstick I didn't usually wear. I went to a party drank terrible wine coolers, too many of them. A man asked me if I wanted to leave, I slurred, said maybe. He said "maybe"?
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
And then he said "maybe isn't yes" and I went home that night, un-assaulted, because I hadn't talked to a rapist at that party.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
Silence isn’t a yes.
Another story: I went out drinking with girl friends at a bar a few years later. I was flirting with a guy there, he grabbed my hand, pulled me outside, into an alley, he kissed me hard and then looked at me and said, "yes?" I didn't say anything.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
He said "go back inside then," maybe he was annoyed but he meant it, I went back inside. There wasn't a rapist at that bar.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
“It’s only fun when you want it too” the man said.
One time a guy and I had flirted, he invited me to his room, I went we kissed, I said I liked it, he took off his clothes, I touched him, he tried to take off my clothes, I resisted, he said "seems like you're not into this" I said, ehhh, he said, no, it's only fun if you want it
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
I said, I'm sorry, he said it's ok. I left, unmolested. I was lucky, I hadn't met a rapist that night.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
I've been assaulted. I've also been not assaulted. The difference didn't seem to be what I was wearing, how flirty I was, how much I was drinking. The only difference seemed to be whether or not the men felt it was ok or not to assault.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2018
“The only difference seemed to be whether or not the men felt it was ok or not to assault.”
You see that? Maybe men do understand consent. They do figure that a woman is not into it and wants them to stop or go away. Until this point, every man is just a regular guy. But the difference between a rapist and #NotARapist is what they choose to do right after this point.
The thread was heartwarmingly received on Twitter, because in the wake of the Kavanuagh trial in the United States, the people needed to believe again that men could choose to not be rapists and assaulters by simply respecting women’s choices.
This is an important thread that also happens to not be totally depressing. https://t.co/tTt7xdwPCX
— Julie Plec (@julieplec) September 29, 2018
We need this change more often.
It’s sort of bittersweet to be so grateful for the stories that end in #NotaRapist instead of #MeToo. https://t.co/7INs1FM4rV
— no thank you (@anxiousoryx) September 29, 2018
What does life look like with good men? Ah!
https://twitter.com/loafingcactus/status/1045937250519994368
Can you imagine how worse the times we live in are that we have to glorify examples of men showing normal human decency towards women?
This thread and its replies are full of men who aren't rapists.
It's beyond shitty that their behaviour needs to be held up as examples to us all when it should just be the default, but, y'know, 2018. https://t.co/hZUyKZlXx3
— butting (@butting_nz) September 29, 2018
“Men do understand consent. Some horrible few just choose to ignore it.”
I don't know why, but this thread just shattered my heart. Such a hauntingly lovely reminder that men do understand consent, some horrible few just choose to ignore it. https://t.co/UMeJrG1nY6
— Audrey Mechling 🏳️🌈 (@audrey_mechling) September 29, 2018
“Consent is a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT.”
To quote some of my favourite Poetry Slammers: "Consent is sexy? Lingerie is sexy, consent is a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT!"
— Sophia (@FeePatzer) September 29, 2018
Another beautiful observation about how sometimes, even a good guy can be a rapist. And sometimes, even absolute jerks can know how to respect women.
This thread is amazing. And I love how you don’t necessarily say that these men are ‘good guys’ because maybe they aren’t. Maybe they were jerks. But that’s the point. Being #notarapist doesn’t make you good, or even decent. It just makes you not a worthless piece of shit.
— Bryan Tali (@DJBuckhalter) September 29, 2018
And this, this is how every parent should be teaching their sons and daughters to respect one another.
https://twitter.com/CrankyChronicle/status/1045904665810878466
Over the last year, we’ve seen many women come forth and share details of the horrific tragedies that they’ve been survivors of. But watching women come out and share incidents where they could have been raped by men but weren’t felt a different kind of powerful.
I got blackout drunk at a college party when I was 15. I heard a man say he’d take care of me. He picked me up, held me in the car, carried me to where I was staying, laid me down by the toilet w/a pillow & water so I could barf when I needed to & then he left. Men can *not* rape https://t.co/XTJdNOTend
— Jenny from LeBlanc (@TheYaoiReview) September 29, 2018
https://twitter.com/hrhwallace/status/1045896092565590016
It was heartening to read tweets by men who understood why this thread was so important and the role they could play in making women feel safe.
Like this man here who understood why the #NotAllMen defense doesn’t work anymore. Because there’s just too many damn men who’ve done wrong by women in this world right now.
Thank you so much for this. I am a man in my late 40s, single, spent most of my life alone (in part because of depression), and know that "not all men" simply does not fly now, or ever – because, frankly, sadly too damn many men.
But this makes me feel seen, and appreciated.
— James E. Graham (@JamesEGraham) September 29, 2018
This guy shared some excellent advice from his father, which every father ought to teach his son.
Advice from my father (b.1907) when I was 16 in'69: "I know u think that u think u are a man now. These are my rules: A man is responsible for ALL of his actions (no matter); A man respects every woman's right to say no; A man treats women with dignity & respect sober or drunk".
— Douglas Fineberg (@FinebergDouglas) September 29, 2018
There have been so many men, including prominent celebs, who have said that the current climate has made them fear approaching/talking to/working with women. But as this tweet points out, men do not have to fear anything if they just treat woman right.
https://twitter.com/theBaconcat/status/1045889236224888832
This guy laments the fact that the bar is set so low for good men, unfortunately.
Really good thread and responses. The bar is so so low, but it's a good reminder that there are decent people out here trying to do the right thing. https://t.co/hhr6RxsZXN
— Jacob Pfeifer (@Jacob_Pfeifer) September 29, 2018
But one can clearly see the merit of having such threads, written by men and women both, run paralled to the #MeToo movement.
Thread. Also, can we make this a thing? Like, telling about all of the times men didn't rape us so men can't tell us it's normal to sexually assault women. Additionally, I could use a boost in the believing in humanity area. https://t.co/ruk0LrAslw
— Ollie *drinks in gif* (@OMoskot) September 29, 2018
Because if you’re trying to show someone that something’s wrong, you’ve got to give them an example of what is right to motivate them, correct?
Here’s to all the men who made the choice to treat women with the respect another human being deserves. It’s sad that we have to give out awards for such BASIC decency, but if that’s what it takes, we women are on board. Men, are you?