I used to be one of those people who snickered at others for being sad over a breakup, thinking them to be utterly stupid. I used be that person who thought those people made a big deal out of nothing. Yet dealing with my breakup was, so far, the biggest struggle I had had in my life.
I tried fighting the ensuing depression with delusion.
When he blamed me for the disaster that the relationship had turned into, I readily accepted it as my fault. I begged him to come back to me, making reasons for all the psychological bullying, thinking I deserved those.
I made myself think that it was just temporary, like all those other times. That I’d wake up the next morning and there it would be, a text from him, apologising for losing his head like that, and asking what time we’d be meeting that day.
That he loved me more than I did, so much so that he simply couldn’t force an incompatible relationship on me. Because thinking he stopped loving me, or actually never did; was too much to bear.
Though I saw him starting to date another woman, I made excuses on his behalf. I told myself that he was doing it to help me move on. That he didn’t actually want to, but only did it for a show, so that people blame him, and not me, as the bad guy.
I clinged on to that hopeless hope, thinking that I just needed to wait out the time before we got back together, blaming bad timing for the failed relationship.
When he asked me to remain friends with him, I agreed happily, thinking that all I needed was for him to be a part of my life, if not necessarily as a lover. I couldn’t see the devastating effect it might have on my mental health.
When my friends advised me against it, I became angry with them. Instead, I believed in the person who just broke my heart. I chose to wear a blinder of illusions that kept me from looking reality into its eye.
It was only after months that I accepted the truth, that the relationship was really over. More than that, I finally understood that whatever the reasons were, that person did not appreciate me, and probably my love was better off without him.
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery,” – Albus Dumbledore.