That men and their cavalier attitudes towards women’s professional ambitions are the biggest reason women quit their jobs is an accepted fact. Whether it is the gender bias in the wage gap, sexual harassment and exploitation at the workplace, or the subtle ways in which companies will avoid hiring female employees because they think their motherhood might affect their work—a woman almost always has to choose between her dignity and her career.
Another thing that women often face, and which can be quite frustrating, is how they’re not taken seriously as professionals because of their looks, or simply, their gender.
Twitter user Stephanie Hurlburt voiced her displeasure at how men often view professional networking meet ups as opportunities to pick up women. And this, in turn, undermines the career advancement of professional women.
I am noticing a trend in women age 18-22 I’m mentoring— they try to network and get mentoring and go to meetups and literally every guy they try to talk with gets flirty
They’re *blocked* from this professional advancement because so many guys jump straight into trying to date
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 15, 2018
Whether it is a same-level employee or a mentor, when women approach either with the intent to network or establish a professional acquaintance, the men might see that as a chance to flirt with them or turn it into a date.
A clear instance of reading the situation wrong!
Stephanie explains the advice that she imparts to the women she mentors to tackle such situations or avoid them altogether.
I try to give advice:
– Dress a notch more professional than others
– No alcohol, no 1:1 evening meetings
– Firm handshake, no hugging
– If they ask about age or personal topics, treat as an inappropriate comment and switch conversation back to work
– Have an agenda in mindEtc
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 15, 2018
The above guidelines seem exactly like the ones that women have often been advised to follow to be taken more seriously as professionals.
However, the onus is also on the men, that irrespective of how a woman is dressed or how friendly her demeanour is, there is no need to blur those professional lines and think of it as anything more than a genial attempt at networking professionally.
Stephanie urges men to go ahead and respect these boundaries and talk to the women about their work profiles as opposed to flirting.
But really dudes who follow me, please for the sake of women’s careers stop trying to pick up dates at tech meetups. And if you see a very young lady at your meetup and aren’t part of this problem, please go out of your way to talk to her about professional topics & help her out.
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 15, 2018
Also: I say this as a bisexual women who knows plenty of queer women in tech. Women have common sense around this dating issue. They don’t get bothered by queer women like this. It’s the straight cis guys that need to re-evaluate understanding of power dynamics & professionalism.
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 15, 2018
Furthermore, she also beseeches them to help out if they think any men are putting women in any uncomfortable positions at such meetings or events.
And I’ll reiterate my “what you can do to help” suggestion: Go out of your way to notice & professionally help very young women. They tend to be most vulnerable, theyre still developing a sense of boundaries & are more common “targets” of sleezy guys
Network with young ladies 👍
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 15, 2018
The thread was well received and appreciated for the obvious reasons that this is quite the rampant practice across professions.
Both male and female Twitter users attested to the fact that this happens a lot of times, and also appealed to put an end to it.
Some women shared their own awkward encounters.
https://twitter.com/nicalexiac/status/1041577172484317185
https://twitter.com/nicalexiac/status/1041579500192952321
Did I ever tell y'all about the dude at my first GDC who hit on me? I told him I was just trying to network and I had a boyfriend, and he was like "oh YEAH??" and then held up his hand with a *wedding ring* on it. D: https://t.co/W5xAOphoPX
— Emily E. Meo (@EmilyEMeo) September 16, 2018
Last summer, my female co-worker and I took our college-aged female intern to her first ever tech event, which was at the AWS Loft and a male Amazon employee kept trying to take our photo when we clearly didn’t want our photos taken. https://t.co/7XvQbhISJy
— Amy (@am3thyst) September 17, 2018
One of the most disturbing incidents happened when I was the speaker. During Q&A an attendee demanded to know if I was single.
I didn't answer.
He refused to leave the event because I "owed" him an answer.
He then tracked me down with my personal email. https://t.co/Muk084OyzE
— julia ferraioli (@juliaferraioli) September 15, 2018
Others hoped for a time when men would see the error of their ways and see professional women as just any other professional, as opposed to ‘women’.
I wish men could understand:
1. What it’s like to never be sure if someone is interested in sleeping with you
2. The trauma this causes
3. and the # of oppotunities that are blocked from us in these situations https://t.co/fSCxsXZ3ra— DrSiva, PhD (@DrVidSiva) September 17, 2018
What was quite heartening was how so many men called out the practice and criticised their fellow men for it.
Men seem to have a difficult time identifying themselves as the "sleezy guy". If you meet a smart and beautiful woman at science/tech conference, and you start to feel flirty, then you ARE that guy. Dudes just take a cold shower and get used to it. https://t.co/u5MrVu74Dk
— Jonathan Sebat (@sebatlab) September 17, 2018
I wish I was better at reading social situations, because I’m sure I’ve seen this happening and not had the situational awareness to call guys out on it. (I’m also probably guilty of it, because apparently I flirt with everyone?) https://t.co/3A7XLs2mWV
— Wil Cornish (@Wil_Cornish) September 17, 2018
A reminder that some people in our field are alienating our female colleagues by flirting in settings that are meant to be professional and by trying to turn what should be topic- & setting-appropriate conversations into dates.
Please don't do this. https://t.co/DKzOWMYCe4
— Jeff Dean (@🏡) (@JeffDean) September 15, 2018
Chaps: DON'T do this. This is exploitative and bad form. You disappoint the woman who thought you were interested in her professional efforts, you cost her genuine networking time and you disgrace the gender with your bad faith.
I don't need to say this, surely. https://t.co/c5j5deeNUl
— J. Guy Davidson (@hatcat01) September 17, 2018
And now, thanks to the thread going viral, there might even be a hashtag movement in the making!
The fact that this tweet has gone so viral should tell you a thing or two about the culture we face…
It’s also wonderful to see so many women offering their support out there. Maybe we need a hashtag to collect them all…#IGotYourBack ? https://t.co/5j7IOPxM2a— Jennifer Scheurle (@Gaohmee) September 17, 2018
The OG writer, Stephanie, is quite ready to monitor the conversation and marshall help in whatever way she can to her fellow female professionals!
Sure! Anyone who tweets offers to go with young ladies to tech meetups/events to help protect them & introduce them to folks, I’ll watch the #IGotYourBack hashtag and happily retweet https://t.co/CEzGBfWcdN
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 17, 2018
Young ladies who follow me, please reach out to folks on #IGotYourBack (And if anyone gives you a bad experience just DM me about it, I’ll believe you, and I’ll be sure to unretweet their offer and potentially warn others)
Take advantage of the awesome networking opportunity!
— Stephanie Hurlburt (@sehurlburt) September 17, 2018
And it sure is catching up!
So I will be at EGX in Birmingham this Sunday at a portfolio review booth. If you do recognise me on the floor before, after or even during, and need help – please literally grab my hand and tell me.
I let a friend down once, I will NOT let anyone else down again.#IGotYourBack https://t.co/Lg9ysEjQcI
— Anisa Sanusi ❁ (@studioanisa) September 17, 2018
Of course, there is always that one person who wants to play the ‘What if men are the victim’ card. And to one such query, there was a perfect reply given!
https://twitter.com/liekev/status/1041288483455819776
“Feminism works both ways.”
*mic drop*
Parting thoughts on this issue are quite hopeful, as all women’s issues these days are.
I really can't express how much I genuinely wish the world would change for women. Here's to a world where maybe they won't need to take extra steps just to make it as big as a guy 🍻 https://t.co/045CfHI4V8
— Conner (@Conner24464076) September 17, 2018
Things suck right now. But change is gaining momentum. So why not jump on the bandwagon?