‘Hum toh apni bahu ko sab allow kartey hai. We are very modern!’ This statement is often said with pride by Indian families without realizing that it’s problematic and unnecessary.
You might also have heard people say to brides, ‘You are like our daughter. Feel like home here.’ If that’s literally the case then why does anyone need anyone else’s permission to live their life the way they want in their own home?
Why does the bahu of the house required to seek permission for going out with friends, meeting relatives, or even going to her maternal home? I have even seen women seeking permission from their in-laws to go out for dinner with their husbands. I mean, don’t you see the problem here?
Resonating with this thought, a woman took to Twitter and penned that small things like meeting a distant cousin or going to a family wedding would make her anxious as it needed begging, pleading, and ego-stroking.
Sometimes I think about my previous marriage and the smallest things that used to give me anxiety. "My cousin's visiting the US, can I go meet her?" "A family member's getting married, would you come to the wedding?" Everything involved ego-stroking, begging, pleading.
— Neeru Nagarajan (@poonaikaari) June 15, 2022
The user, Neeru Nagarajan, also rightly pointed out that Indian families feel proud of controlling a person and stressing them out over inconsequential things.
Too many Indian men and their families like to make all these tiny things a matter of pride. There’s nothing to be proud of if you’re controlling a person and stressing them out over inconsequential things.
— Neeru Nagarajan (@poonaikaari) June 15, 2022
And it’s just not her. Many women online related to her.
It’s so normal in Desi families.joint family main TU multiple level of permissions.miyaan saas susar and then on day of event agar choti nand ka mood kharab hai ya uski freinds aa rehi Hain TU aap nahi ja saktay
— Attiya Akram (@akram_attiya) June 16, 2022
That anxious feeling of replaying the “request” again and again in your mind, just so you sound right . And finally you ask and it leads to an argument. Such a crap feeling.
— Umm Afiyah (@AizahS165) June 16, 2022
Ahhh ! Such hard relate ! Am so sorry this happened 🙁
— River (@chilluvandu) June 15, 2022
I understand all this too well, having seen it as a kid. I am so glad that as an adult I found a partnership where we don’t need permission to do anything. I can’t imagine attending any weddings anymore though, weddings themselves give me ptsd.
— Gowri Thampi 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 (@gowri_thampi) June 16, 2022
Tell me about it. It used to take me two days and sleepless nights to get the courage to ask MIL if I could visit my family. Now I look back and think why did I do that but I was very young at the time. Now I am an angry auntyjee so nobody dares say anything
— Alia Waheed (@AliaWaheed) June 17, 2022
I’ve faced so much trauma and gaslighting that I didn’t even know that was what was happening, until I messed up every subsequent relationship.
Of course, that also made me choose the wrong relationships😑— punam mohandas (@PunamMohandas) June 17, 2022
totally relatable ny mother is still facing all this….and hence proved all asian men have same mentality
— Amina hussian (@amina_hussian) June 16, 2022
💔💔Sorry. I know how it breaks you.
The anxiety, fear, numbness, hopelessness and depression. Changed my world, my life, myself upside down.
Sending love your way!
— Farah (@beau_reveur) June 16, 2022
Same. Ohh the apprehension before Every. Single. Small. Thing. .. Still makes me anxious sometimes when I have to ask something..
— abraAZzam (@abraAzzam) June 16, 2022
Neeru was overwhelmed with the responses and the fact that so many women go through this same thing.
It hurts that so many women can instantly relate to this. No one should have to live like this.
I used to wake up and immediately throw up because my stomach was always in knots. Now, I've learned to listen to my body and mind when I choose the people in my life. https://t.co/LnP1qPLfw8
— Neeru Nagarajan (@poonaikaari) June 16, 2022
She added:
When you love someone, it makes sense to do anything they want as long as it’s in your power to do it. I’d give anything just because a loved one wants it. Hurting them hurts me. All we want is for this to be reciprocated.
— Neeru Nagarajan (@poonaikaari) June 16, 2022
This situation is real and very mindboggling. Marriage, as it is, comes with a lot of responsibilities which one is expected to ace in no time. On top of it, the added trauma makes the environment even more uncomfortable.
And then people will be like, “maa k ghar jaa k kyun acha lagta hai?” Let her live the way she wants in the house and she’ll never feel the need to take some time off from home.