“Hum itni kursiyaan dekhte hain, ek lene se pehle. Phir apna life partner choose karne se pehle, options dekhne mein kya problem hai?”
I remember this amazing dialogue from ‘Dear Zindagi’ and how it completely changed the way I saw relationships and the freedom to explore and finally choose a person whom you could be in a relationship with. However, dating and marriage are two separate ball games altogether. Marriage requires you to think about various different aspects of a person and yourself that you didn’t even think mattered.
To make choosing a life partner easier and to make sure both the partners are on the same page, one woman on Twitter shared 20 topics both parties should discuss before making the big decision. From managing finances, gender roles, to sexual compatibility, this thread touches on all that is important. Have a look:
DONT GET MARRIED BEFORE: a thread
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
1. Talk about DEBT
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
2. FULLY and WILLINGLY committing to one another. No "im not sure" and "what if's" and "its not the right time." you are either in or you're OUT.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
3. When/how many kids yall want (adoption? are one of you infertile? etc.)
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
4. Talking about STDs. Get checked. Seek medical help/informed professional knowledge. Keep those tests up to date and find ways to do so even within the marriage.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
5. Talk about your 5-10 year timeline regarding career/education. Can you move? Willingness to relocate? etc.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
6. Levels of religiosity. Openness to growth? Lack Thereof? Do you share fundamental CORE beliefs about life? VERY important.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
7. Anger managements issues: do one of you struggle? Are you in therapy for it/taking it out on others? Seek help, bc it will destruct you and the future and the children….
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
8. Energy. Does it match? you decide. Follow your gut
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
9. CLOTHING: it may seem like a small problem but small things eventually ADD up. Make sure your expectations MATCH one another to full comfort.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
10. Sexual compatibility. Not going to go into details, but yall need to be on the same playing field. Consent wise, willingness to try things, traumas, etc… figure it out.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 23, 2020
11. Finances: how do you intend on splitting bills? Gender roles? Taking the parents in during old age? etc.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
12. Age doesn’t matter too much. In my experience it’s about the person & what their world views are. If you are young, make sure the person you’re with will allow you to keep growing at your own pace and in your own way. It’s called respect.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
13. Opposite gender boundaries. Set what’s okay. What’s not okay. Hugs/handshakes/etc. I know it sounds tribal & trust should be there but you’d be surprised what people’s boundaries are. Better to know than not know
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
14. Social media: believe it or not, people WILL break up over this. Some prefer privacy. Some not. Get on the same page or you’ll be clowning on one another.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
15. I mentioned this before, but SAVINGS. How much do y’all have earned & combined? How much is your intended salaries? Is it sustainable? Apartment? House? Condos? Etc. speak futuristically if it’s not smthing u can afford right now. Get on the same page.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
16. What is cheating? Entanglements? Define your breaks? Breakups? Etc.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
17. Physical and verbal abuse: what is and isn’t considered abusive language and decorum? Seek help, please. Professionals can always step in.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
18. What are your dying wishes? Burial proceedings? What if one of you becomes paralyzed? God parents? Uncertain events? Death? Speak it. Speak on all of it.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
19. Importantly, LOVE is not what keeps relationships going. An active commitment to LOVE, despite the downfalls, keeps it going. Get out the princess-king happily ever after mindset and you’ll be fine
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
20. I want everyone to notice how I failed to mention level of education, family or tribal background, ethnicity, job level, & all. It’s because none of this matters in the long run. Trust. you ain’t a good person based off superficial attributes.
— saag jaan 🇦🇫🇺🇿 (@cxkenobxkery) July 24, 2020
Many marriages end up breaking because people don’t discuss such things and hence, don’t fully know what they are getting into. This leads to abundant compromises and sacrifices and honestly, who likes that? It’s best to talk about relevant issues, boundaries, finances, etc. before deciding to spend your life with someone. Don’t you think?