Speed Dating in India.
Is it like turning into Flash and meeting people?
Is it like being a casanova and bagging as many dates as you can to brag about to your friends?
Is it like auditioning lots of candidates to fit Ekta Kapoor’s ‘perfect bahu’ description?
Here is what you can expect if it ever comes to Sanskari India,
1. Why people would join: Mom enters room for 1 billionth time, ‘Beta tum 4055 years ke ho gaye ho (actual age 25), please wife/husband doondh lo’.
So in much frustration you decide it’s time to at least satisfy mommy by meeting people, because without shaadi you are either a no good, womanizing bachelor or a childless, cat owning, potentialless ladki.
2. Speed Dating websites would be replaced by nosy, noisy, bored with life, Pammi aunty.
She knows our age, she knows how much you weigh and most importantly she knows if you are sanskari or not. If you have enough sanskar quotient then comes the next step.
3. Speed dating groups in India would be ‘Assi sardar, tussi Jatni’, ‘Palakad-Tamil-living-in-Kerala-Brahmin-working in bank-only’, ‘Mangliks United’, and ‘Sindhi Savings Squad’.
You get to tick your group on the basis of parental approval, birthright and your kundali.
4. Pre Speed Dating ritual: Pandit ji will be asked to pick a muhurat, chairs will be set up outside the mandir and everyone will be required to say the gayatri mantra before beginning the ceremony.
As the gangajal is distributed to all the kanya’s sitting on the table, men will begin rotating as the temple ghanta is rung.
5. Name tags : ‘MBBS from *college-abroad-no-one knows-about* Rahul Mehta’, ‘Sola Somvar vrat keeping Komal Sinha’ and of course ’50k earning engineer, Raj Malhotra’.
So I could be: ‘Sitting-infront-of-a-computer-writing-offensive-stuff-and-being-abused-for-it, Disha Seth’.
6. Every speed date will be chaperoned by boy or girl’s parents, chacha-chachi, mamu-mami and chintu.
7. The Indianest- Indian speed dating questionnaire.
If the answer to 1, 2 is yes and the answer to 3, 5, 6 is no, then you may have bagged yourself a bride/groom.
8. Then comes Kundali matching: The people who have passed your checklist, family’s expectations and the wage scale, will now be evaluated by neighbouring pandit for possible matches based on stars, moon and his fee.
After 50000 years, voila, you have yourself a possible date!
9. Post Speed Dating: Ritual of adding date to ‘Cousins Group’, ‘Family Group’ and ‘Random people you don’t care about, who’ve planned a meeting to see your new beau group’.
10. Chat Mangni, Pat Vyaah.
Done deal bro, done deal.
Are you ready to speed date ?