Depression, a word that still remains a taboo in Indian society has taken the lives of scores of people across the world. Very recently, the Indian television industry allegedly lost a talented actor and model Kushal Punjabi to depression. The slow-poison has affected many other well-known people like Deepika Padukone, Indian skipper Virat Kohli, Sameera Reddy, GOT actress Maisie Williams, singer Justin Bieber and the list is endless.
While most of them decided to take control of their lives and seek help for their mental illness, there are still some who hesitate in seeking medical attention because ‘log kya kahenge’. In his recent interview with The Indian Express, cricketer Praveen Kumar opened about struggling with depression and his attempted suicide.
The Indian pacer bowled his fans over with his unpredictable spins for decades until his elaborate cricketing career ended due to his injuries. It has been eight years since the pacer donned the blue jersey and played for India after his career ended due to dengue in 2011.
The 33-year-old said how on a chilly winter morning, just a couple of months ago, while the rest of his family slept peacefully, he took his revolver, got into his car and sped to the Meerut-Haridwar highway. As he sat in his car with the revolver next to him, Kumar says, “I told myself, ‘Kya hai yeh sab? Bas khatam karte hain (What’s all this? Let me just end it)’.”
Thank u brother @pdevendra for showing raw and real pk..thanks for making it public..❤️ https://t.co/f9I6ZKgCgT
— praveen kumar (@praveenkumar) January 19, 2020
But when he glanced at a picture of his smiling children, he realised, “I can’t do this to my phool-jaise bachche (innocent children), put them through this hell. I turned back.” Realising that it wasn’t the right thing to do, ‘PK’ decided to fight back. The pacer admits to being on medications currently.
Kumar said how he was unaware of what was happening to him. He would ‘lie would through the night staring at the fan’. “India mein depression concept hee kahan hota hai (Who understands depression in India)? Nobody knows about it and in Meerut, certainly not.”
He shared how he used to be agitated and irritated most of the time when he shifted away from his large joint family. “I had no one to talk to, felt almost constant chid-chidapan (irritation). As a fast bowler, I had to do a lot of thinking (to out-smart batsmen).” He reportedly told the counsellor, “I was unable to switch off thoughts.”
The bowler who lives and breathes cricket says that he misses being with the team. “I have nothing to do, I want to do something but I just can’t.”
Last year, Kumar went unsold at the IPL auction and that took a toll on his already deteriorating health. “I had been bowling so well. In England, everybody praised me. I was dreaming about a Test career. Suddenly, gaya sab kuchch (it was all gone).”
Kumar who lost 15 kgs during this phase admits he drinks, but says that things are often ‘blown out of proportion’. “Mostly my scraps have been about friends, like the case when fans abused Rohit Sharma. Please tell me who doesn’t drink. People have spread this perception, I don’t know why. No one will speak about the good things I have done. Meri hawa galat banayi gayi. Hawa toh hawa hai, ek baar chal gayi toh one can’t do anything,” Kumar adds.
Speaking about his medical conditions, Kumar says, “I can’t see properly with my right eye. I was hit by a ball while playing junior cricket. I underwent treatment at a Delhi hospital. The doctor said they could do a transplant but could not guarantee the return of vision and that things might become worse.”
He further adds that he wants to coach for free. “Money has never been priority, I was lucky to see fame. All I want is to get back to cricket. That’s the only thing I know and love. Some said to get into politics, but I can’t handle politics at home, what will I do outside?” he adds.
However, he says that ‘thankfully, that dark phase is behind me.’ “I used to fear myself a few months ago, apne aap sey darr tha. That’s what bad time does. If someone didn’t answer my call, I would feel terrible, neglected. It killed me inside. Thankfully, that dark phase is behind me. Koi nahin, PK phir waapis aayega (Don’t worry, PK will come back).”
Yes, we are sure you will return with a bang Kumar!