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All young mothers know that stepping into motherhood is a nerve-wracking experience. Your body has gone through insane changes, while your emotions are all over the place. To make things worse, your favourite pair of jeans still refuse to accommodate you in them anymore. Okay, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is the barrage of people who think it’s their inherent duty nay right, to show you the ‘right way’ to be a mother. Because of course, pushing a tiny human out of you doesn’t qualify you to be one. *facepalm*
This writer cum new mom had had enough of these unsolicited ‘How To Be A Mother 101’ master classes. It seemed like along with her bundle of joy she’d given birth to a landslide of incoming crappy advice and superstitions.
Nazreen Fazal is a writer slash poet and newly appointed mom. Which is why she decided to set some ground rules for those wishing to visit her n her baby. She conveyed the same to them through a hilarious but sharp AF Facebook post.
The post aimed at the self-appointed heralds of wisdom to new mothers begins as follows:
“This transition into motherhood is exciting and nerve-wracking all at once. It changes you in many ways. It makes you uber emotional- laughing one moment and trying not to tear up the next because le husband bought the wrong flavour of ice cream (true story).”
Nazreen goes on to say that despite these changes, her intolerance for unsolicited, outdated, crappy advice hasn’t budged. Especially those given to new moms by people who think they have been appointed by God to (mis)guide other parents with superstitions, myths, and a huge unhealthy dose of misogyny, she adds.
She then proceeds to list out the number of things you DON’T say/do to a new mom and baby. It goes as follows:
“To make it easier, I made a list and asked my friends who are in the same boat to contribute too:
1. I know it’s exciting that a new baby has arrived, but it isn’t necessary to go see the said baby immediately after the baby comes out of the mother. The parents have just had a life-changing moment. Give them some time to take it all in, don’t visit them on day 1 at the hospital.
2. Don’t put down mothers for their mode of delivery- natural or c-section. With intervention or without, a healthy baby and mother are what we want. She doesn’t become less of a mother in either case.
3. Let the mom breastfeed/formula feed in peace. Don’t judge her. Don’t shame her. Don’t tell her that her milk isn’t enough for her child. She knows what’s good for her child.
4. Unless you are her gynaecologist or paediatrician stay away from giving any “health advice” for her or her baby.
5. Don’t comment on the gender of the child and offer consolations if it’s a girl. I literally give 0 s#!ts about whether it’s a boy or girl as long as my baby is healthy and happy.
6. Don’t comment on the skin tone of the child. My baby is not a painting that needs critical comments on tone and texture.
7. Don’t compare babies and say oh this one is fatter/skinnier/darker/fairer. It’s not a baby beauty pageant. And you aren’t the judge.
8. Zip it if you are planning to give unsolicited advice on how to make my child fairer/fatter/skinnier/more muscular/run like Usain Bolt/walk on water. I don’t want that advice.
9. DO NOT OFFER MY CHILD ANYTHING TO EAT OR APPLY ANYTHING ON MY CHILD WITHOUT ASKING ME OR MY HUSBAND.
10. Don’t ask me to polka dot my child’s face with kaajal. If you are so keen, invest in a Barbie doll and spot her face away when you feel the urge.
11. Don’t arch their brows with kaajal and give them eyebrows that look like they can launch anything into space. Babies are cute as they are, don’t line, dot or arch their faces just because it’s tradition.
12. I know it’s tempting to cuddle and kiss babies, but they are fragile. Don’t kiss them on their mouths. Don’t kiss them at all if you are sick or have been sick recently.
13. Don’t comment on the mother’s weight. She has literally pushed new life out of her body. You should be giving her an award, NOT body shaming her.
14. Don’t think that there’s only one way of parenting and that’s the “old school style”. Everything evolves, including parenting styles, according to the time and place we live in. Don’t scoff at something just because you don’t understand it.
15. Fathers aren’t just meant to contribute to the conception of the child and step back. They are supposed to take over half the parenting responsibilities too. So don’t tch tch at fathers who are stepping up to their role and parenting instead of just coming into the picture when it is time to pay the school fees.
16. We literally couldn’t care less about how children were raised in your “Zamaana“ (which by the way was just a few decades ago, not during the Roman Empire). Society changes and with it ideas do too, get on with the times.
17. Okay, I didn’t know this was a thing but apparently, in some cultures, people ask new moms to mould their newborns head with saucers, doughnut pillows, and other spherical objects. WHAT THE HELL. it’s a baby, not play-doh. Don’t ask people to do this to children for f’s sake.
18. Unless you are asked for it, don’t try to get people to name their child according to your wishes. Did you push the child out of your womb? No. Then stay in your lane.
19. DO NOT ASK HER WHEN SHE IS HAVING HER NEXT CHILD. Her stitches have probably not even healed fully as you are asking her this. Also, you have ZERO business discussing family planning with her. If you are so concerned about her child not having any siblings immediately after being born, feel free to get pregnant, give birth, and then gift your child to her so that her baby has company.
20. Don’t ask me to massage my newborn with oil like he/she is about to go wrestle. They are babies! Don’t massage them and go “ab jaake hoga dangal.”
21. Just because your grandmother’s neighbor’s nephew’s barber’s mother in law used a certain concoction of spices and herbs to heal a baby of reflux/gas/dark skin (as you consider it to be an affliction) it doesn’t mean you should suggest that recipe to each and every new mother you encounter.
22. Don’t comment on whether a mother is staying home or returning to work after having a child. Are you losing blood if she chooses either option? No? I didn’t think so too. So shush.
23. Whether she wants to stay 40 days indoors after birth or she wants to go out for a walk every once in a while is up to her. Don’t chastise her because LITERALLY, NO ONE ASKED YOUR OPINION.
24. Understand more about post Partum depression. It’s not a made up thing. DO NOT tell new mothers “everyone has gone through this, stop making a fuss” and belittle her struggle. If you can’t support her at least don’t mock her pain.
Nazreen ends her post reminding us that a new mother is in a highly vulnerable state- physically, emotionally and hormonally as she is still in a changing phase. Hence it is up to those around her to support, uplift and encourage her.
She concludes:
“Don’t make her feel insecure. Don’t convince her that she doesn’t know what is best for her child. Don’t burden her with dated customs and traditions that make life difficult for her. Don’t guilt trip her. Just let her enjoy motherhood. It’s as simple as that.”
Nazreen’s post is a long overdue one on behalf of all mothers, to those who suffocate them with zillions of advice. Giving birth is a magical process, albeit with an insane amount of trials and tribulations. So respect the emotional and physical stress the mother has to go through and no matter how pure your intentions, give them some space.
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