Mom Lists Practical Things Parents-To-Be Should Do To Prepare For Children

Bringing a life into the world is a HUGE responsibility. One that everyone takes very, very seriously. Parents-to-be look at various physical, emotional, financial, social, environmental and psychological aspects before deciding to have kids.

Laura Mazza, a mom and a blogger who goes by @themumontherun, decided to make things simpler and compile a list of practical things one must do to prepare for children.

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Meet friends new baby. Smell the newborn goodness. Watch her little mouth open while she yawns and holds my thumb. Feel a familiar sensation, my ovaries start to go off like fire crackers, like my little uterus has pressed the red button and is screaming MAY DAY! MAY DAY! We need a foetus!! Message my husband saying, one more? Holding said baby. No reply. Hasn’t spoken to him for three days prior to that so wasn’t surprised. Start crying when my friend asks for her baby back, apparently I can’t breastfeed her just because I feel so maternal right now. Drive home to initiate making of the baby, forgetting the fact that I said to myself “never, ever do this again” when I bought my third baby home with a broken body and a cannula stuck in my arm. Call the gynaecologist that I made an appointment with to get an IUD to cancel it. No answer, never mind! Leave a message telling them I’ve changed my mind and to call me back. Get home, welcomed by my three children. 3 year old is pulling the 5 year old’s hair, while husband is changing 1 year olds nappy with shit on his hands, cupping his crutch with the other “I have to go for a piss” and hands me the baby, nappyless and rushes off. 1 year old grabs my face and rips my cheeks off and bites me. Decides to take another shit while my hand is under his bum. Put him down and rush to the bathroom, dry retching, to wash it off. Step on a smooshed banana and a Pokémon ball, slip, falling forward, hands first and smearing shit on the floor. A bees dick away from having my face in it. Baby tries to touch poop. 5 year old jumps on my back and yells “giddy up horsey!”. 3 year old cries because she found her drink bottle with 10 year old milk in it and it tastes bad. Husband comes out, peels all the kids off me. I wash my hands and my phone rings “Hi Laura, it’s Mary from Dr Phillips office, we got your message about cancelling your appointment?” “Did I say cancel? I meant to say speed up. Can I have an appointment today? Tomorrow? Now? Could I also get the injection and two IUD’s?… actually you can go ahead and just take my ovaries thanks” And that was the end of that idea. #uterusisclosed #lovenewborns #newbornsmell

A post shared by Laura Mazza BAppSc(Psych) MSW (@itslauramazza) on Sep 17, 2019 at 6:35pm PDT

Her hilariously accurate post has gems like, “Bite all the apples in your fruit bowl and put them back”, “Clean the house, disinfect it, then smear yoghurt on the floor”, “Make a snack every 7 minutes” and of course “Play baby shark on repeat for 68 hours”. Needless to say, the list has gone viral with 40,000 comments and 69,000 shares.

Here is the entire post:

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How to prepare for children: Buy bananas, buy five fucking bunches. Eat them all. Whatever. Just make them disappear in a day. Then buy more bananas the next day. The same amount if not more…and watch them go mouldy. Slowly. Say out loud “why doesn’t anyone want the bananas now?” Cry. Play baby shark on repeat for 68 hours. Every time you pick up a phone, ask someone to ask you “can you play baby shark” Watch obscure things on YouTube like freaky cartoons with catchy songs in between baby shark. Always go back to baby shark. Bring a bull into a supermarket with you. Let it go and apologise to people as it runs pass them, bucking. “He gets angry when not fed and hates movement” Buy 4 pairs of huge underwear that come up to your neck, poke holes in them, wear them interchangeably Ask your whole street for their washing, and begin doing their laundry. Ask them to wear and dirty it as soon as it’s folded. Bite all the apples in your fruit bowl and put them back. Clean the house, disinfect it, then smear yoghurt on the floor Ask someone to cough in your eyeball. Poo with the door open. FaceTime your friends and get them to ask you about your day while you strain. Cover yourself in sour milk. Try to unwrap a lollipop in 3 seconds flat. Set a loud timer that screams at you if you fail. Buckle up an octopus in a car seat. Get three monkeys and drive around with them. Give them popcorn and honey. Make a snack every 7 minutes. Go to bed Get up again Go back Get up… go back, get up, go back, get up. Smash your toe into something really hard. Pee yourself. And now you’re 10% ready.

A post shared by Laura Mazza BAppSc(Psych) MSW (@itslauramazza) on Nov 6, 2019 at 2:20am PST

The kicker is definitely the last line where she says, “And now you’re 10% ready” which only goes to show that parenting is the hardest job in the world and no amount of preparation can actually make you 100% ready for it.

After reading her brutally honest take, other parents shared their own experiences and tips. Check them out.

Are you a parent? If yes, what other pieces of advice would you give to those planning to take the plunge?

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