Marriage: A relationship where the participants keep the door open while pooping, know the exact location of each others keys but not their own and tell each other ‘I told you so’ more often than ‘I love you’.
Here are the funniest tweets on the internet that define married life!
1. When he makes washing dishes seem harder than solving the Rubik’s Cube.
There’s no right or wrong way to load a dishwasher. Except my husbands way, that is. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Katie Tillwick (@Ktillwick) January 26, 2016
2. The next time I’ll label the dog.
— Nicola Wright (@NickyNurky) January 17, 2016
3. When Booties is only used to refer to your kid’s footwear.
— Amber Okolo-Ebube (@mrsokoloebube) January 13, 2016
4. When my things start to disappear one hammer at a time.
I used to have tools I could find. Then, I got married. Now, I can’t find a hammer, and I’m the wife! #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Gia Scott (@giascott) January 13, 2016
5. Whatever you think is right, marriage will make you think again.
My husband’s newly prescription eyeglasses don’t work. He still can’t see things my way. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— KBDUB (@kbdub724) January 27, 2016
6. How is it that you can swear you found Narnia but a bottle of juice is invisible?
Finding things in the pantry/fridge for him due to his inability to look behind things. #marriedpeopleissues
— Lee Griffo (@IonaMoonCEO) January 13, 2016
7. Counting down.
— lonely man (@celibatehusband) December 6, 2015
8. Because an axe murder is waiting in the kitchen, eating last night’s pasta. Makes total sense.
Her: “I heard something” Me: “It’s the heat” Her: “Can you check every room to make sure there isn’t a murderer thx” #MarriedPeopleIssues
— TheSportsStance (@SportsStance_) January 12, 2016
9. When in doubt, just know the fluffier one is mine.
Sometimes I wish I were single to have some drama in my life. The big fight in my marriage revolves around a pillow. #marriedpeopleproblems
— Luz Navarrete Platt (@LuzPlatt) November 30, 2015
10. ‘What do you want to have for dinner?’
‘Whatever you want’
‘Thai, Chinese, Indian?’
‘Except all that’.
The great dinner debate of November 30th has begun. Let it be known now: there will be no victors and no survivors #marriedpeopleproblems
— Meredith Ireland (@MeredithIreland) November 30, 2015
11. I’m smart enough to make you sleep on the couch tonight.
Me-I’m smart. Hubby-That’s what u keep telling us. Me-well if u weren’t so dumb I wouldn’t have to keep repeating it. #marriedpeopleproblems
— kari martindale (@ingermanyabroad) November 29, 2015
12. I raised him right, you ruined him with TV.
Claiming your child as yours when he does all the good things. When he does something awful suddenly it’s “your son”…#MarriedPeopleIssues
— Tina Dean (@secretsquirre40) January 12, 2016
13. Every Single Time.
For real! “I don’t CARE where you put “it” just PLEASE put “it” back in the same place every time so I can find “it.” #MarriedPeopleIssues“
— Marcia Q. Fervienza (@marciaquitete) January 12, 2016
14. This is what a long term marriage sounds like.
You aren’t really married until you hear yourself say,”I’m not having that argument… AGAIN.” ? #MarriedPeopleIssues
— UN Lewis (@unlewis) January 12, 2016
15. Mine was a real stinker, I win!
— Steve McInelly (@stevemcomedy) September 26, 2015
16. I think we need separate toilets. It’s time.
— Helen B. Manahan (@HelenBM_IBCLC) January 8, 2016
17. Bless the Lord!
You know you’ve been with someone too long (5years) when their come on line is “hey…I so I showered tonight!” #MarriedPeopleIssues
— LA DeShane (@Lvng1Tor) August 2, 2015
18. Marriage roles.
— Matt Linick (@mlinic1) August 1, 2015
19. Do you remember 5.4 years ago you were the one who said ‘We should get a dog’, now clean his poop.
In marriage, one person is often responsible for life’s bumps. Her job is to keep track of all of them 🙂 #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Bob Marinellie (@Bobox31) July 31, 2015
20. Dental hygiene goals.
That moment when neither of you remember whos toothbrush is whos ?? #MarriedPeopleProblems
— TrophyWife ™ (@Tr0phyWife) January 20, 2016
21. This is a trap. A trap I tell you.
You can look at other girls.. SLAP but not when your with me obviously. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Stevie (@steviebeef75) July 31, 2015
After all, it’s for better or for worse.