Here Are The Things Our Censor Board Finds Offensive, And They Are Right!

Our beloved censor board is one of the most powerful censor boards in the whole World. And with great power comes great wisdom – at least in India. Look at our politicians and our powerful public servants from the IAS and IPS cadres – a shining light of wisdom.

Obviously, the censor board follows their wise steps into greatness. And with such good work comes popularity too. It is because of their brilliant work they are so popular with the Indian audiences. Even if we put the significance of their work aside, take a look at the amount of hard work they put in –

1. They watch every movie before the release date.

2. Then they discuss it at length if it is appropriate to show it to the Indian audience.

3. Then they call our country’s ruling party if the movie aligns with their ideologies.

4. Then they suggest cuts to the filmmakers.

Job done. So much hard work. I am sweating just thinking about the muscle aches they must be getting after sitting and watching uncut movies in private theaters. God, they must be tired.

And the changes they suggest after all their hard work should be taken into consideration, obviously. You cannot just dismiss it, citing your snobbish liberal values! Pfft! You think India is liberal! LOL.

The censor board does a good job at correcting our stupid filmmaker’s mistakes. Let us take a look at some of the most esteemed works of our beloved censor board –

1. Banning drugs use and the name Punjab from the movie Udta Punjab.

Punjab does not fly. It is a fact. So, the name of the movie is wrong. Good decision.
*Sir, it is actually about how high you get after doing drugs, so it is a metaphor*
Pls, rational mind, pls, let us work.

Why should we show drug use in Punjab when we can show bright colored men with dhols dancing in the green farms. Cause that is what they do the whole day.

Also, let us show Honey Singh singing his eloquent and soul-stirring rap songs. They portray Punjab better than anything else.

 

2. Muting the words lesbian and homosexual in movies

What is lesbian? I have heard of gay men, but what is lesbian. And what is homosexual? Is this a biology documentary? No, right?!

Use gay men. Do not use lesbian please. They are good only in porn. Not in our sabhya Bollywood movies. Look at Dostana – such good example of sabhya gay men. Did we cut them? NO!

 

3. Ordering cuts for speaking abusive words like “saala“

Saala should only be used when you address your brother-in-law. Otherwise, the word is basically “sister fucker”. People do not realize this. And Jai Gangaajal, the movie it was cut from was too abusive and showed our police officers in a bad light. They speak such beautiful language. Have you ever seen them misbehave? No!

 

4. Cutting the kissing scenes from Bond movies.

Bond is such a bad influence on our young minds. No one wants them to pursue a task with intensity and have some fun in the way! No. Also, sex depicted in those movies is not realistic.

What is realistic?

The trailers of Kya Kool Hain Hum and Mastizaade. They are as realistic as possible. They have the subject expert in them too – Sunny Leone. She is like that citation link in Wikipedia page. No one questions scenes when Sunny is in it.

 

5. Cutting scenes instead of giving it an A certificate for including kisses.

Kisses are vulgar, for adults and children alike. It shows lust, hawas!
*it shows love too*
What is love? Kissing is hawas. Love is two flowers making out. That is love. Kissing is just too brazen for our culture.

 

6. Giving a list of cuss words to the filmmakers so that they do not use them in their movies

Why should people call each other BC, MC and other colorful variants that are only used by uncivilized people. CBFC chairman believes that such words are only used by uncivilized people, and not decent human beings.

True that BC!

The great law of Cinematograph Act of 1952 is what gives CBFC such lovely sweeping powers. It states that a film shall not be certified if –

1. is against the interest of the sovereignty and integrity of India – obviously homosexuality and using saala will make India lose its sovereignty, Pakistan is now sending agents into India to just randomly start cussing so that our sovereignty disappears.

2. the security of the State – Sunny Leone is a state asset. We show her uncensored, our security is compromised.

3. friendly relations with foreign States – that is why we let them use cuss words that are directed towards Pakistan. LOL.

4. involves defamation or contempt of court – “Tareekh pe tareekh pe tareekh!”

5. is likely to incite commission of any offense – Yes, do not put violence. Put item numbers, though. They do not incite anything.

Do not question the Censor board. Question yourself. Why do YOU want to see an expletive-laden speech and see Bond kiss on screen? Why do YOU want to see how our people actually speak? Why do YOU want to know how Punjab does its drugs?

Don’t you have anything better to do?

You dirty minded, uncultured and uncivilized people.

Cover Image Source 1, 2.