14 Things You Should Definitely NOT Do After A Breakup

You just went through a breakup, and seems like someone just turned off the lights and there is no sunlight and the birds are singing death metal songs. You suddenly love the color black, and dark eye shadows, and want to kill people. In short, you are in a dark place.

You also know the damage is irreparable. You cannot get back with him/her. It is finally over. People do stupid things after such a phase because such a strong bond is broken and it addles your brain and fills it with the dark sludge the devil uses to quench his thirst.

Just do not do the stupid things listed below.

1. You keep your ex a friend on Facebook

First mistake, rookie.

 

2. Follow your ex on Facebook

Second mistake.
Yes, he looks fantastic in his pics.
Yes, she is going out again.
No, you cannot kill that guy, you do not know if they are dating.
No, you cannot find out if they are dating or not.
Don’t PM her!
Dammit, Brian!

 

3. Call her back, just one more time

No, there is no chance. I know it hurts, and I know you miss him/her but making desperate calls to win him/her back is not cool. It is over and you should make preparations to move on and eat a lot of ice cream in your bed watching TV soaps. It is a good recovery method.

 

4. Call her parents and ask her hand in marriage

“Hello uncle, I want to marry your daughter. We finally decided to take the big step. I hope you will like me as your son-in-law”
Dude, you broke up. It does and will not work.
“Last resort!”
Nope.
“pls”
NO.

 

5. Get a van and stalk him/her

Stakeouts are only cool when detectives do it to criminals. Normal people shouldn’t do it to other normal people.

“But she is a criminal!”

How?

“She stole my heart. And then tore it into pieces”

*facepalm*

 

6. Go to the same places you went for dates as a couple

Revisiting places of nostalgia is good, but after you have healed and are like 80 years old.
Right now your wound is raw and infected by shitty thoughts and you do not want to scare people by breaking down suddenly in the middle of a restaurant, just because you miss your ex.

 

7. Post sad statuses on Facebook

At the rate of 100 posts a minute.
“why doesn’t a lightning strike me when I stand under a tree in a thunderstorm?”
“guys I need help, someone teach me to tie a noose. PM me.”
“why is my heart made of cheap glass and not the glass put in the windshield of Barack Obama’s car?”
No. Just No.

 

8. Talk to shitty friends who usually give horrible advice

“Just watch some porn, dude. Porn is better than girls.”
“Have you tried calling him, some guys like desperation.”

Stay away from such friends.

 

9. Watch romantic movies

Romantic movies are like onions after you breakup, and you are just cutting the onions open when you watch them.
Yes, I know Anne Hathaway looks like her.
Yes, I know you did the same things Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan did.
Yes, Casablanca hurts.
Do not watch them. It will hurt.

 

10. Go out with another loving couple for a dinner

Becoming the third wheel is the absolute worst you can do after a breakup.
No one wants you screaming “Hey! You cannot hold hands! Only I and my ex can do that!”

 

11. Visit parks during the evening

Everyone is making out over there, and it will just remind you of the good times you had with your ex.
Leave parks alone.

 

12. Join political parties who bash couples during valentines day

I know your faith in love has evaporated, and you hate every loving couple out there, but don’t vent your frustration out on them. It is not cool.

 

13. Keep their things

They will remind you of your ex all the time. You’ve got to return them. Mail them back to him/her.

No, do not burn them and mail her the ashes!

Dammit Brian.

 

14. Get trust issues

It seems like a betrayal, but it is actually not. We do not want you screaming, “NO, IT IS NOT TWO KILOS! CHECK AGAIN!” even after your grocer has accurately weighed the two kilos of rice you want to buy – twice.
Please do not lose hope in humanity.

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