If you’ve ever worked for an IT company in India, you would have noticed a small group of people, who call themselves managers, do nothing productive but bakchodi. Pure unadulterated bakchodi.
They have their own cabins, they get a higher paycheck & all they do is punch numbers in colourful Excel sheets or throw buzz-words like a Naga warrior. Decrypting their MBA jargon can be difficult for the naive, so here’s a breakdown of what their crap actually means.
1. Out of the box
Meaning: Your idea is crappy, try again.
This extra chilly conference room is a perfect closed enclosure to think out of the box. Way to go, boss!
Meaning: Subtle way of asking to take advantage of something. God knows what.
Koi aap se seekhe how to use a noun as a pseudo-verb. I’m
In short, Work From Home.
4. Revert back
Meaning: It means bull-crap in proper English. But I want a response to my query.
I tried to revert (to my original state of doing nothing at work) but you also asked for ‘back’. So now I’m confused.
Meaning: My ass is on fire. Do your work quickly or get fired.
As soon as possible. Oh yeah, I got that. Let me revert back quickly.
6. Please do the needful
Meaning: I’ve no idea what/how/when to do, but you do it anyway. And ASAP.
Ok, saar. Let me Google it.
7. Touch base
Meaning: Warning: This is not an invitation to ‘touch’ your boss’s ‘base’.
Isn’t too flattering to go to jail trying to touch your boss’s rear.
Meaning: Do extra work you’re not paid for.
Alternate meaning during performance assessment: You’re not promoted & I’ve no other excuse to throw at you. Take this & be happy.
9. I’m low on resources
Meaning: Your manager is not suffering from mineral deficiency. She wants to mismanage more people.
Humanity is dead. We’re just resources. Sigh!
10. Bring to the table
Meaning: Don’t just sit idle & sleep during my boring meeting. You can join me with your bakar too.
I brought bakar to the table. Yay!
11. Keep me in the loop
Meaning: Include me in every unnecessary email chain ever. Coz I’m vella.
I want to keep you in the loop, if it’s around your neck.
📣 Follow Storypick on Instagram! Click here to follow @story.pick
12. Core competencies
Meaning: I just want to prove that you’re good at nothing. Hence, this spine-breaking jargon that means nothing. Lel.
My core competencies are working with idiots & keeping calm. I’m doing good so far.
13. Give 110%
Meaning: Subtle way of asking you to slog.
I understand that you sucked at Maths in school. Why bring that core competency to work?
Meaning: It’s a trap. Run.
Damn, you sweet talker. I almost fell for that bait.
15. What’s the ballpark number
Meaning: I know you’ve no idea about the estimation, just throw a random number at me.
It’s 3.14. So less? Million. Oh..okay. Phew!
16. Let’s take this offline
Meaning: You’re never going to talk about this again. Polite way of saying: STFU now.
17. I don’t have the bandwidth
Meaning: I’m a broadband connection. I don’t have bandwidth.
Not really, it means your manager can’t work. Why? Coz managers are not supposed to work.
18. SWOT analysis
Meaning: Pure bakchodi of the elite: I’ve no idea what’s happening, so let me do my mumbo-jumbo.
Keep calm coz apparently, your manager is a black-belt in some ancient martial art named ‘Six Sigma’. God bless that pour soul.
19. Better visibility
Meaning: It means you should show up in office more often. Not sleep during meetings. And get your work done.
“Rats don’t get visibility in the corporate fog” ~some middle-level manager.
20. My 2 cents
Meaning: Here’s my do takke ka advice that’s not even worth 2 cents. Take it anyway coz I’m your boss.
21. Open door policy
Meaning: Just because the door to my cabin is open, doesn’t mean I want to listen to your BS. But I want to get promoted to Sr. Manager, so I’ll rub this jargon in your face anyway.
Bura na mano, Holi hai BC.
Meaning: You’re not adding any value to the company. Time to look for a new job.
Meaning: Out Of Office (probably gulcharre uraying)
Dear Manager, I will pray to God that you may forever be out of our office.
You don’t need an MBA to get promoted to a useless manager. Memorize this shit & become instantly popular.