23 ‘Bakchodi’ Phrases You’ll Hear From Managers In Every Indian IT Company

If you’ve ever worked for an IT company in India, you would have noticed a small group of people, who call themselves managers, do nothing productive but bakchodi. Pure unadulterated bakchodi.

They have their own cabins, they get a higher paycheck & all they do is punch numbers in colourful Excel sheets or throw buzz-words like a Naga warrior. Decrypting their MBA jargon can be difficult for the naive, so here’s a breakdown of what their crap actually means.

1. Out of the box

Meaning: Your idea is crappy, try again.

This extra chilly conference room is a perfect closed enclosure to think out of the box. Way to go, boss!

jargon (1)

 

2. Leverage

Meaning: Subtle way of asking to take advantage of something. God knows what.

Koi aap se seekhe how to use a noun as a pseudo-verb. I’m leveraging learning.

 

3. WFH

Meaning: Just-being-online-sleeping-at-home-doing-nothing-but-not-taking-leave-from-work-too.

In short, Work From Home.

jargon

 

4. Revert back

Meaning: It means bull-crap in proper English. But I want a response to my query.

I tried to revert (to my original state of doing nothing at work) but you also asked for ‘back’. So now I’m confused.

 

5. ASAP

Meaning: My ass is on fire. Do your work quickly or get fired.

As soon as possible. Oh yeah, I got that. Let me revert back quickly.

jargon (2)

 

6. Please do the needful

Meaning: I’ve no idea what/how/when to do, but you do it anyway. And ASAP.

Ok, saar. Let me Google it.

 

7. Touch base

Meaning: Warning: This is not an invitation to ‘touch’ your boss’s ‘base’.

Isn’t too flattering to go to jail trying to touch your boss’s rear.

jargon (3)

 

8. Pro-active

Meaning: Do extra work you’re not paid for.

Alternate meaning during performance assessment: You’re not promoted & I’ve no other excuse to throw at you. Take this & be happy.

 

9. I’m low on resources

Meaning: Your manager is not suffering from mineral deficiency. She wants to mismanage more people.

Humanity is dead. We’re just resources. Sigh!

 

10. Bring to the table

Meaning: Don’t just sit idle & sleep during my boring meeting. You can join me with your bakar too.

I brought bakar to the table. Yay!

jargon (4)

 

11. Keep me in the loop

Meaning: Include me in every unnecessary email chain ever. Coz I’m vella.

I want to keep you in the loop, if it’s around your neck.

 


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12. Core competencies

Meaning: I just want to prove that you’re good at nothing. Hence, this spine-breaking jargon that means nothing. Lel.

My core competencies are working with idiots & keeping calm. I’m doing good so far.

 

13. Give 110%

Meaning: Subtle way of asking you to slog.

I understand that you sucked at Maths in school. Why bring that core competency to work?

jargon (5)

 

14. Win-win

Meaning: It’s a trap. Run.

Damn, you sweet talker. I almost fell for that bait.

 

15. What’s the ballpark number

Meaning: I know you’ve no idea about the estimation, just throw a random number at me.

It’s 3.14. So less? Million. Oh..okay. Phew!

 

16. Let’s take this offline

Meaning: You’re never going to talk about this again. Polite way of saying: STFU now.

Sorry shaktiman.

 

17. I don’t have the bandwidth

Meaning: I’m a broadband connection. I don’t have bandwidth.

Not really, it means your manager can’t work. Why? Coz managers are not supposed to work.

 

18. SWOT analysis

Meaning: Pure bakchodi of the elite: I’ve no idea what’s happening, so let me do my mumbo-jumbo.

Keep calm coz apparently, your manager is a black-belt in some ancient martial art named ‘Six Sigma’. God bless that pour soul.

 

19. Better visibility

Meaning: It means you should show up in office more often. Not sleep during meetings. And get your work done.

“Rats don’t get visibility in the corporate fog” ~some middle-level manager.

jargon (6)

 

20. My 2 cents

Meaning: Here’s my do takke ka advice that’s not even worth 2 cents. Take it anyway coz I’m your boss.

Theek hai.

 

21. Open door policy

Meaning: Just because the door to my cabin is open, doesn’t mean I want to listen to your BS. But I want to get promoted to Sr. Manager, so I’ll rub this jargon in your face anyway.

Bura na mano, Holi hai BC.

 

22. Value-add

Meaning: You’re not adding any value to the company. Time to look for a new job.

Ok.

 

23. OOO

Meaning: Out Of Office (probably gulcharre uraying)

Dear Manager, I will pray to God that you may forever be out of our office.

jargon (7)

You don’t need an MBA to get promoted to a useless manager. Memorize this shit & become instantly popular.

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