17 Things They Don’t Tell You About Having Sex For The First Time

I’m not a sex-pert, nor do I run a column, but what I can tell you is, what you see in movies is all absolutely bull. It’s not going to be a moment where you look into each other’s eyes and fall deeply in love, it’s going to be a moment where you’re both looking for wonderland but no-one seems to be able to find it.

So here’s what your first time in the real world would look like.

1. ‘Where the fuck is the hole?’

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2. ‘Wait is that the right hole? Sorry! I swear it wasn’t on purpose.’

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3. ‘Am I always going to be a virgin?’

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4. It’ll get funny and awkward, not as sensual and sexy as you imagined it to be.

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5. You’ll keep looking for the blood, but chances are your hymen is already broken.

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6. You’ll realize that his sex face is really ugly

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7. Or her moans are scary rather than sexy

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8. A lot of cramping is involved, because after all you aren’t a pretzel.

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9. And more often than not it consists more of a repeated monologue, ‘Is it in?’

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10. Best case scenario: You’ll spend a lot of time wondering what you’re going to do tomorrow (Because he hasn’t come yet)

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11. Worst case scenario: Before you know it was in, it would be out. (The pen leaked before it could do any writing at all)

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12. It’s going to be way more emotional than you give it credit.

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13. It’s never going to be good the first time. Never.

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14. It is nothing like porn. At all. Nope. Not even close.

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15. You aren’t getting anything but missionary on the menu today, sir.

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16. You won’t even know how to spell orgasm the first time round, forget experiencing one.

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17. And when it’s over, your legs will feel like backup dancers from ‘I am a Disco Dancer’.

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So use protection and countdown the days to your next period (because even if I tell you not to, you still will)

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