Everyone keeps wondering, “How can I contribute towards the development of our country?”. So we decided to come out with a simple 34 pointer list we all can abide by and share with every concerned Indian.
1. Disrespect woman
Why respect women when you can treat her like an object? In 2014, make sure you grope, assault, rape, exploit and leer at women at the drop of a hat. Remember, women are useful only for breeding baby boys.
2. Garbage disposal is not my problem
Garbage disposal is not our problem, right? We have other important things to worry about like…um-mm… Bigg Boss elimination, Roadies auditions. Dance as if no one is watching; throw garbage as if it’s Holi already.
3. Traffic Rules are for suckers
We can easily steer a 4×4 SUV single-handed while holding a mobile to our ears, that’s called multitasking. And seat belts will unnecessarily spoil your well creased expensive shirt, don’t use them.In 2014, remember the traffic lights and their meanings:
Red: Check if there’s a traffic police, if not, accelerate
Orange: Fuck everyone, I need to pee, can’t wait
Green: I see green light at the next signal, push the gas pedal, and accelerate
And if your brakes aren’t working, honk louder.
4. Why use public transport?
You’re cheap if you use public transport. This new year, plan to buy atleast a four-wheeler for each of your family members. We need to be a developed country, man. We need more poor people driving expensive cars.
5. Don’t vote
Always remember: Your single vote doesn’t matter. The politicians will nonetheless rig the elections, bribe the poor folks and win. So relax during the Election Day, it’s a holiday! And just wait to complain later.
6. Continue popping out babies till you get a boy
Only a boy can carry forward your family name and get you dowry to start the business you always wanted. Unless you get a boy out of your wife, your marriage is a failure.
7. Spit on the roads
Spitting on the streets is not vandalism. It’s street art; just like graffiti. If the cool kids from the West can paint their walls, why can’t we decorate every corner of every staircase in every building with paan-masala spit? And don’t forget to leave your chewing gum on bus seats, the next person will have something to chew on.
8. Decide your kids career
You’re the parent and so you get to decide the career of your child. It’s as simple as that. Also follow the simple flow chart: Boy –> Engineer, Girl –> Doctor
9. Support Moral policing
How dare two people in love hold hands in public? How dare girls go to parties and enjoy? How dare Indians celebrate Valentine’s Day? These are against our Indian culture and heritage. In 2014, make sure to hunt these youngsters and hand them over to RSS, MNS or Bajrang Dal.
10. Offer bribes
If you’re a dynamic Indian and want your work to be completed on time, bribing is necessary. Your bribing the traffic police wala doesn’t even compare to the scams pulled off by the dirty politicians. Rs. 50 is not a bribe. Then why take the pain?
11. Drink and drive
It’s funny when people think Indians can’t drink and drive. We’re not school kids, we can handle the booze. Infact, many of us are better drivers when we’re drunk because we’re more focused. Sounds legit, right?
12. Pee everywhere
Just because cows are sacred, no one writes them off when they pee on the streets. Roads, footpaths, walls, balconies; when you gotta pee, you gotta pee. Otherwise, it’s bad for your urinary bladder. And municipality has to keep the streets clean, not you.
13. Watch only cricket
We don’t have all the time in the world to follow other sports, right? Cricket is the most interesting sport ever. Period. It’s the sportsperson’s fault if they chose to pursue any other sport.
14. Fight for more reservations
How else can we have equality and be a developed country if we don’t provide reservations to minorities and people from backward classes?It matters not that they are well off and eat Chicken Burgers at KFC. You still have to fight for caste, creed, and religion’s reservation.
15. Fuel and Participate in riots
Look, no one…and we mean…NO ONE…should challenge your religious beliefs. What is India without our rich religious and cultural heritage? In 2014, make sure you fight for your religion, community while foul mouthing other religions. And if you die in the process, you get instant martyrdom.
16. Abstain from any physical activity
Everything’s moving online. So staying online is more important than taking a stroll in the evening. No one has ever benefited from any gym membership. It’s a scam. Outdoor activities are for poor construction workers, not us.
17. Don’t help any NGO
Every NGO in India is corrupt. They’ll gobble up your money, so don’t help them monetarily. And there’s no point wasting your time educating poor kids, empowering village women or attending to the sick. These problems will never be eradicated.
18. Today’s gossip is tomorrow’s news. Spread it!
Simple logic states that if a divorced woman is seeing another man, her character must be loose. We don’t need education to understand that. Also keep a vigil eye on everyone in your society, install CCTV cameras, snoop and spread the inside scoop. Keeping news to oneself is injurious to your health.
19. Always complain
We’re just common men, leading our regular lives. How can we be the reason of any problem India faces? So complain. Complain about politicians, judicial systems, bad roads, low wages, dirty drains, natural calamities, scams, cricket, Bigg Boss. And complain it to your neighbor, colleague and family. That should do it.
20. Don’t pay taxes
Do politicians pay their taxes fairly? Do businessmen pay their taxes fairly? It’s only the working class who’s buried under the tax burden; so let them.Start evading taxes, it’s going to the babu’s pocket anyway. India will develop on its own, without your tax money.
21. Don’t respect gays
In 2014, you must take a stand against the LGBT community. This is to protect your own ego because if they start leading a better life, how will you justify your superiority as a straight person. So start discriminating today.
22. Don’t read newspapers
If you want any information, you can easily look up on Wikipedia. So why bother reading the newspaper daily? It just clogs up the brain with knowledge and information that’s irrelevant to your job. No one pays you for that information. So why stay informed?
23. Promote Child labor
You can’t help it when your parents get old or you have a baby; you need household help. And why pay more for a healthy adult when you can get a small kid at a cheaper price. You can abuse and have some naughty fun with them too. It’s like having your own slave army, how cool is that?
24. Motivate the beggars
A person wiser than us once said, “One should be compassionate”. That means you should donate to every beggar on the street. How else will they survive otherwise? Inspire every poor Indian to become a beggar and help the beggar mafia grow. You can make a difference, go for it in 2014.
25. Be a part of history
We are mortals. But if we wish, we can be a part of history too. The trick is to leave your marks on famous places of historical importance. So the next time you go on a picnic to a historical monument, resolve to engrave your name (and your loved ones) on the walls. It’s an art.
26. Develop “Mera kya jata hai” attitude
This one’s important. It’s important that whenever you witness an accident, rape, molestation, any unlawful activity, or a person in need of help; slow down your vehicle, stretch your neck like a rubber, roll your eyes, and disappear before the police arrive. You shouldn’t care if your neighbor dies in a bomb explosion, “Mera kya ja raha hai”. You should only care if anyone from your family suffers.
27. Discourage entrepreneurship
9 out of 10 startup fail during the first year of inception. Why take the risk when you can easily follow the template:
- Get a degree
- Get a job
- Get married
- Get a car
- Get a loan and buy a 2 BHK
- Pay EMI for 30 years
- Repeat this process with your kids
28. Preserve superstitions rituals
Haters gonna hate, but if you marry a manglik, you’re dead. That’s a fact. And you can’t argue with facts. There are reasons why our grandparents used to follow ancient rituals and practices. So make sure you sit down with your grandparents, note down every ritual on Evernote so that we can pass them down to our children.
29. Take dowry gifts. It is not a crime
Don’t take dowry, take gifts.Your sperm is valuable and expensive. Why ‘offer’ it for free to a girl who can’t reproduce herself? Moreover, your family reputation is at stake. People attending your marriage will say, “Ladki walon ke taraf se kuch nahi aya”. Your in-laws will offer you gifts like car, gold, house, factory, business, land etc. Take it. Indian tradition, bro.
30. Support Ekta Kapur for PM
No one depicts Indian culture, traditions and values better than Ekta Kapur soaps. In 2014, make sure you watch atleast one saas-bahu serial by Ekta Kapur. Try to emulate the ethics, values and life lessons taught. It’s not about TRPs, it’s about mass education through sensible serials. And Ekta’s got a PhD in this field.
31. Celebrate Diwali everyday
When you leave your house, make sure every light, tap and electrical equipment is turned on. That’s the secret behind prosperity. And keep the taps running, so that our enemies across the border die of thirst.
32. Get a fair skin.
Dark skinned folks never succeed, don’t get married, and don’t get respected. It’s a fact. Even Shahrukh Khan (the oh, so fair that eyes hurt) knows it and hence promotes fairness products. In 2014, if you’re not fair and lovely/handsome, you’ve already lost the battle.
33. Eat more fast food
If you eat only healthy organic food, you are wasting your health insurance. Gobble up fast food: burgers, fries, potato chips, chaat etc. All the white folks eat them and look how successful they have become. And in case you fall sick, health insurance haina! Win-win.
34. Learn to adjust – “Chalta hai”
Look, we can’t have everything in life, so “chalta hai yaar”. Compromise is the way life needs to be lived. We shouldn’t be too rigid with what’s right or wrong. We’ve a job to go to, family to attend to. So even if your marriage is not working, adjust. Even if your husband abuses you, adjust. Even if the petrol pump wala stops the meter at 99.5 when you’ve paid Rs. 100, “chalta hai”.