After The Martian, We Came Up With A List Of Other Planets We Could Live On

The Martian was an awesome movie wasn’t it? It had so much science, Jesse from Breaking Bad was probably screaming “Yeah! Science bitch!” every three minutes.

MARS-2
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The movie showed us what human genius truly is and that we can survive by innovating in the harshest of the environments – on any planet.

So great we humans are, no?

And with the Mars One project to be launched in 2026 and Elon Musk hell-bent on colonizing the Red planet, Mars feels like Simran from DDLJ. Her shaadi with humanity is fixed whether she likes it or not. Elon Musk and NASA are Amrish Puri. Baat khatam.

MARS-10
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After we colonize Mars, we have to look for other planets we can go and live on. Do you really think we will procreate less on Mars? Send some Indians and Chinese and some firang hot babes and we will have Mars bubbling with metro cities, replete with Fashion streets and Chor bazaars.

We need more planets we can expand to. Where can we set more Chor bazaars on?

1. Gliese 832c

MARS-6
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How far?
16 light years only (144 Trillion kilometers) or
Mars se Gliese jaane wali local, platform kramank 4 se thode hi der me nikalne wali hai.

How heavy?
5.4 times the mass of earth (or 2.1 Bappi Lahiris)

Water?
“Ji sir! Paani milega na! Bilkul milega! Liquid water sir! Mars jaisa icy water nahi!”

Solid Surface?
Yes.

Earth Similarity Index (0 to 1 with 1 being the most similar to earth)-
0.81 or “Ekdum Earth jaise dikhte ho, bhai-bhai ho kya?”

Fact source

 

2. Gliese 581g

MARS-7
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How far?
Just 20 light years away or “Next stop Gliese 581! 581! Bhaisaab ticket liya hai?

How heavy?
4 times the mass of earth

Water?
Paani bottle, paani bottle! Sir yahan nahi milega paani. Aap Bisleri lelo!

Solid Surface?
Yes, very rocky. Take your mountaineering kits with you.

Earth similarity index
0.9 or “Arrey Earth, tum yahan kaise?”

Fact source

 

3. Kepler 186f

MARS-1
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How far?
500 light years vonly saar! Trip of 200 lifetimes saar!

How heavy?
Don’t know. But you can still go.

Water?
Nope. Too hot.

Solid Surface?
Yes.

Earth similarity index
0.64 or “That aunty you do not recognize at a family function.”

Fact source

 

4. Kepler 452b

MARS-4
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How far?
1400 light years away or “No return ticket. Sirf one-way ticket milega!

How heavy?
5 times the mass of Earth

Water?
We do not really know. Because kitna dooooooor hai!

Solid surface?
Maybe, maybe gaseous too. Pata nahi. Kitna doooooooooooooor hai!

Earth Similarity Index
0.83 or “Aur batao, Solar system se ho kya?”

Fact source

 

5. Kepler 438b

MARS-5
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How far?
470 lights years away or that expensive one-time foreign trip middle-class families take in their lifetime.

How heavy?
We do not know. Like me, because I am afraid of getting fat, so I never go on a weighing scale.

Water?
Yes. Liquid flowing water! Take your water purifiers with you!

Solid surface?
60% chance. Or the percentage chance that Justin Bieber can actually sing.

Earth similarity index
0.88 or Earth’s long-lost twin brother

Fact source

It all sounds so cool, right? We could go to another planet and live there!

Maybe we will solve the problem of gravity once and for all like in that movie – Interstellar. Because Bhindi prices would have sky-rocketed and we certainly cannot live without Bhindi masale ki sabzi.

MARS-9
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We may or may not find water, but we should fantasize, and we should explore because that’s what is really important, right?

Wrong.

You know where we DO find liquid water we CAN drink?

Earth.

You know where we CAN grow food without “Yeah, science bitch!” crappy dialogues?

Earth.

You know where we can (until now, at least) breathe air without choking?

Earth.

The water, the food, and the air we breathe on this planet is as real as it gets. Are we really so accepting of our destructive behavior that we just give up on this planet?

“This plant cannot sustain us anymore. We have to explore! We are explorers!”

MARS-8
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I saw this crap on Interstellar too. Glorifying explorations like it is a good thing.

It would be, if there was a noble reason behind it.

The only reason we want to “explore” other planets is because we KNOW that we are going to suck this planet dry of every drop of fossil fuel, every gram of gold, every microgram of rare earth metals and we are going to need more of it.

That’s the only reason. Nothing more.

Don’t glorify this exploration crap and this human greatness crap, please.

The only bottom line here is – and they should put it on the “exploration” space shuttles they send into outer space –

“We screwed up on our home planet, so we are looking for another so we can screw up there too.”

And then another one. And then another one.

Cover image source 1, 2.