Imagine a world where all the pets suddenly acquired the ability to talk like humans. What if we could interview them? What would they say? Would they have feelings? Would they hate or love us?
Will we know what really happens inside that head of theirs?
DOG
Interviewer – “Hi! How are you doing?”
Dog – “I smell something!”
Interviewer – “Hmm? I am sorry, what was that?”
Dog – “I smell it!”
Dog gets up and walks to the interviewer’s chair and starts to sniff his butt.
Dog – “Did you eat chocolate cake last night?”
Interviewer – “How do you even….? Get away!”
Dog – “Dude! I can almost taste it here! They put vanilla in the frosting too, didn’t they?!”
Interviewer – “Take him away!”
CAT
Interviewer – “Hi! How are you feeling?”
Cat – “Why is there a glass of water on the table?”
Interviewer – “In case you get thirsty.”
Cat – “No. Why is it ON the table?”
Interviewer – “I don’t get it.”
Cat proceeds to push the glass off the table, the glass breaking off on the floor, water spilling everywhere. The cat then proceeds to push everything off the table. and then goes and sits on the window sill, looking outside.
Cat – “Why isn’t the world burning?”
Interviewer – “Hmm?”
Cat – “I just want to see the world burning. Why is that so hard for you guys to accomplish?”
MONKEY
Interviewer – “It’s always interesting to see monkeys as pets!”
Monkey – “It’s always interesting to see monkeys as pets!”
Interviewer – “What are you doing?”
Monkey – “What are you doing?”
Interviewer – “Don’t….don’t do that…”
Monkey – “Don’t….don’t do that…”
Interviewer – “How am I supposed to…”
Monkey – “How am I supposed to…”
HAMSTER
Interviewer – “Hi Winky, how are you feeling today?”
Hamster – “Just a little bit tired.”
Interviewer – “Why are you tired?”
Hamster – “From all that competition, man.”
Interviewer – “What competition?”
Hamster – “So, there’s this thing I compete with, I run with it, and the faster I run the faster it turns. I can’t seem to beat it! It’s amazing! And I thought I was the fastest runner!”
Interviewer – “But its a wheel. It will turn as fast as you run because you are on it.”
Hamster – “Exactly! It knows me, man! It knows how fast I run, and I can’t seem to beat it. One day, man, one day….”
PARROT
Interviewer – “Hello Mr. Parrot!”
Parrot – “Fuck you!”
Interviewer – “Uhhh…”
Parrot – “You piece of shit.”
Interviewer – “Why are you saying that?”
Parrot – “Because I can! Imagine you wanted to cuss the shit out of that fuck who puts you in a cage but you couldn’t because you had limited vocabulary! Well, now I can!”
Interviewer – “What’s the matter?”
Parrot – “Ok get this. I got wings, right?”
Interviewer – “Yes.”
Parrot – “They are there for a purpose right?”
Interviewer – “Yes.”
Parrot – “Why the fuck can’t I use them? Like, imagine putting your ding-dong inside a cage. You can’t do anything with it!
You can’t even rub one off when you are feeling lonely! How would you talk then, smartass?”
Interviewer – “I get it.”
Parrot – “Now you get it, you human piece of shit.”
In the next part, we interview a goldfish, turtle, cheetah, mouse, and a horse!
If you have a pet animal in your mind you would like to be interviewed, let us know!