Government offices are heaven, aren’t they? You get in there, get your work done in seconds, meet the lovely officers and people who work there. They are nice to you, get you water and snacks. You have to literally force yourself to leave because they are so awesome, right?
WRONG!
Have you ever been to a government office to get something done?
It is one day (or many days) of pure hell. Be it the passport office or just getting a license renewed, government offices are just UGH! Here are the stages you go through, starting from the time you get out of your home.
1. Hopefulness that is masking the delusion
It’s the new India, young and vibrant! It’s a good day outside! You know the day is going to be good, at the back of your head. You are going to the government office to get the work done in an hour. You took a special leave after bargaining with your boss, but it’s gonna be totally worth it. Maybe you can get the work done early and go to the mall and spend the next half of the day chilling.
2. Why is there so much paper everywhere?
You walk into the government office and the first thing you notice is huge piles of paper everywhere. Piles as high as the Petronas towers. You wonder why. Didn’t India go digital? Shouldn’t everything be done on the internet? You filled out some of the forms on the internet, didn’t you?
Why are there papers everywhere then?
3. How do I get to this counter, sir?
You ask for directions to the department you have to report to.
“It’s on the 3rd floor then take a right and then the first left and then look for the water cooler and hidden behind that is the door that you want.”
Finding the Chamber of Secrets was easier!
4. Tirupati
When after a herculean struggle, you manage to find where you have to be, you see these lines everywhere. So many lines. When you get to the counter the man says, it’s the same line, but because it is so long, it feels like there are multiple lines.
But it’s the same line!
Now for the task of finding the end of that line, the time you take to find it, the line has already grown to at least 3 kilometers.
Taking darshan in Tirupati is easier.
5. Hunger
As you find the end of the line you realize that you have been in this hellhole of an office for over 3 hours now. Now it’s almost lunchtime and you are hungry and because you thought that you will be done in 3 hours (you jackass!) you didn’t get any lunch. You could step outside to have lunch, but then your place will be taken by someone else!
6. Why you no fill that form?
You somehow stood in that line and walked the 3 kilometers to the end that is the counter. Behind that counter is the guy who will make your life a living hell.
You somehow, because of all the aligned stars of good fortune get to the counter and submit your form and sigh with relief, because this is harder than meeting the president of your country or winning the Olympics.
“Sir, why haven’t you filled the form no. 134 (B)? It says right there on the bottom of page no. 345 in tiny letters which you need to read under an electron microscope, sir!”
7. Why you no fill that line of that form?
You stand right on the counter and fill that form right there while people grumble and curse at you for taking their time up.
“You are supposed to fill that before you get here you ass!”
You somehow weather the storm and fill that thing and give it to the devil.
“Sir, you did not fill out this thing right here! Please stand aside and fill it, there are other people who have to get things done too. You are not the president.”
8. Why I no slap the blackheads out of your ugly face?
You are shoved out of the line and you go to a bench to sit and fill out the form, but your handwriting is bad, because your hands are shaking, because you wanted  to blast that person’s face. Now you have to go to the end of the line all over again.
9. Lunch break! Haha! Bye!
You fill everything that is there, more than you filled your answer sheets back in school and somehow make it again to the counter.
And, just when you reach it, the clerk behind the counter puts an old wooden sign that says “LUNCH”.
“Lunch time ho gaya”
And you wonder what terrible wrong things you have done that you deserved this.
10. Bribes
You eat lunch and hurry back to the counter and somehow you do not see a line! Maybe the negative karma you amassed has finally been neutralized. You cheerfully walk up to the counter and the clerk says, “Sir there is too much backlog. We decided to stop taking new forms. But we can get your work done, if you are very willing.”
You don’t get it at the time, but the asshole is asking for a bribe. Everyone paid some and that’s why there is no line.
11. Calling your parents
You do not want to pay a bribe because you are such a saint, and also you know that it is wrong and deep inside you know that’s what’s causing this country to go to the dogs.
So in the end, you just call your mom, because you need help. And your father recommends you to talk it out with them.
12. Fuck this shit! No! Last attempt!
You give up. What sort of a rotten rut you got yourselves in? Â Then you think how important it is for you to get that passport/license/document. So in the end, you let the floodgates open and go to the counter for one last attempt.
13. Come tomorrow! Â Bye!
There’s no one there. One peon who is cleaning the desks says people left.
“But it’s still 20 minutes to the end of the work day.”
The peon shrugs and keeps on with his job.
14. Go home
It’s 6 pm and you go home. And you slump on your bed and throw the forms.
Your dad picks them up and goes to the government office the next day
He gets the work done in 5 minutes flat.
He knew some guy who knew the guy in there and everything was gold.
Sometimes, knowing people and knowing how to deal with people matters.